


You are the one (worth dying, worth living, worth waiting)

by AbsorbingMisery, LilianaFox, nickolefox (AbsorbingMisery)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-04-22 19:32:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 29,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4847645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsorbingMisery/pseuds/AbsorbingMisery, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilianaFox/pseuds/LilianaFox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsorbingMisery/pseuds/nickolefox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You pack up your research, most of Clarke’s blood samples and a few clothes. You destroy everything that could be tracked back to you. You are Red’s daughter after all, and you are always careful. You are prepared.</p><p>It takes you less than an hour. You know Red is right. You need to leave to protect Clarke. You need more resources to cure her. You need to keep her off the radar. You need to take out Mount Weather Corp. </p><p>You have to follow your head, not your heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I wasn’t prepared for you (it wouldn’t have changed anything)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AbsorbingMisery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsorbingMisery/gifts), [nickolefox (AbsorbingMisery)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsorbingMisery/gifts).



> *** for my beautiful wife Nickole, Lexa Cosima Jaiden & Liam Pax Jaiden ***
> 
> There are no words to describe what I want you to know. But I am sure you understand, because you already know.
> 
> You are my best friend, my precious  
> (whom I ask for advice and trust)  
> You are my sister, my lovely  
> (whom I have known all my life and need)  
> You are my mirror, my true  
> (whom I can be myself with and praise)  
> You are my lover, my gorgeous  
> (whom I worship and crave)  
> You are my wife, my beautiful  
> (whom I adore and cherish)  
> You are my queen, my magnificent  
> (whom I follow blind and submit)  
> You are my children's mother, my sweetheart  
> (whom I love and admire)  
> Yu laik ai heda, ai hodnes  
> (ai bandan yu op en nou moun, ai keryon)
> 
> Author’s note
> 
> This story uses characters from CW’s TV Series ‘The 100’ based on the book series by Kass Morgan, therefor we DO NOT OWN or have any rights on these characters and we are only borrowing them to fix certain fuckups.
> 
> This story originates out the madness of our brains, therefor we DO OWN the plot of this story (happenings after 2.15) as well as the following characters:
> 
> We share this fictional story out of our free will and we do not intend to harm anyone. We will apply trigger warnings to every chapter to protect and warn you as our readers, whom we appreciate and love.
> 
> If you wish to use our characters or post our story somewhere else, please contact us first. This story is, as every story a person writes, a very personal part of us.

**Part I**

**I wasn’t prepared for you (it wouldn’t have changed anything)**

**8 th October 2012**

**Public Library, Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

*****Lexa*****

 

There is no reason for you to take your studies to the public library. You own a beautiful apartment at the top floor of a skyscraper filled with more useful literature than you can probably find here. Nevertheless, here you are, sitting at an old table at the end of a corridor at the science department. You can’t help it, you love the atmosphere. You love the smell of old books and the sound of turning pages. You feel safe and most of all you can hide away. You can forget everything you never want to think about but do nonetheless; you can pretend to be normal, to fit in.

 

You have your legs crossed, leaning back into your chair, head resting on your hand and you read over your notes again. You admit that a master in physics may not have been your wisest decision ever. Physic is logic and static. There is nothing to explore, there are rules and that’s it. It bores you to death. Especially the thermodynamics you are busy with now. But it’s not like you have better things to do, so you will finish it anyway.

 

You feel stiff, so you stretch, pulling your glasses off your nose and wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. You take a look at the clock and groan. Time is running out, so you look back down to you notes and try to concentrate. You recognize a movement at the other end of the corridor and though you know that there are some people walking by from time to time and you never really bother to look up, you do it anyway. And you feel like the world stops turning.

 

She walks with a grace that is not from this world, her blonde locks dangling with every one of her breathtaking steps. She wears a skin-tight blue dress that compliments her curves with black high heels. With every _tock_ her heels cause, your eyes grow wider. She sits down at the only empty table that is in your line of sight and you hear yourself whispering thanks to all gods that you are able to watch this gorgeous woman a bit longer. If someone would ask you for your name right now, you would not be able to remember it.

 

You feel a light pull in your chest, like a string around your heart that pulls you towards her. You see her smile at the book in her hands and you smile too. You are not sure what this feeling is, but you know that it is going to change your life and you can do nothing other than to watch from the distance in silence, unmoving, until she leaves.

 

You stand up as soon as she is out of your sight and follow her. She slips the book back into a shelf, a soft sigh escapes her lips and then she turns and leaves. You feel like a creep when you walk over and pick the book up. You are sure that it is special to her and you are curious. And impressed. _The Origin Of Species by Charles Darwin? Beautiful and smart._

 

“Are you looking for something, my dear?”

 

You jump at the voice, though you recognize Mrs. Linton. “I don’t know…” you answer, just a low whisper. You turn the book in your hands. “Mrs. Linton, do you know the name of the girl that just left?”

 

“Oh, you speak of Clarke.”

 

“Clarke?” _A beautiful name._ ”Would you tell me bit about her?” _What the hell am I doing?_

 

Mrs. Linton just smiles at you when she answers. “Her name is Clarke Griffin. She is a nice young lady, but life was really hard on her. She is an orphan and she is always alone here. I never see her with others.”

 

“Is she visiting often?” You frown. You feel you heart breaking. You want to see her again. And you are well aware that you are an idiot.

 

“At least every two to three days. She is reading this book every time.”

 

“Thank you.” You answer smiling, satisfied, before you walk back to your spot. _Let’s see what we can do about that one._

 

It takes you a few hours to find an antique store with an early copy of The Origin Of Species that actually has it for sale. You don’t know why you are doing this. You follow your instinct, you are not going to question it. You pack up and leave the building, nearly running to your car in excitement. You phone rings, you look at the display, roll your eyes and pick up. _Seriously… what now._ “What do you need, Lincoln?” Your voice drips with annoyance. You don’t care.

“Can’t I call you without an emergency?” He sounds hurt. You care even less.

 

“Usually not and I am in a bit of a hurry so spill it.” You throw your backpack and books on the backseat.

 

“Are you okay?” You hear his worry and close your eyes shut, standing by the driver’s side. You try to calm your voice before you answer.  


“I am fine, Lincoln. Just about to drive to New York, traffic won’t be kind on me if I don’t hurry.”

 

“New York? Does Red know what you are doing?”

 

You sigh. “I am just going to visit an antique store, nothing he needs to know.”

 

“Okay, you’re up so something. The short version, please.” He knows you too well.

 

“I saw a girl at the library reading The Origin Of Species. There is a store in New York with a very old and rare copy. I am going to make it a present to her.” You know that it is a lost cause to lie to him and you know that he will accept your decision, regardless of how stupid it may sound.

 

“Love on first sight?” He asks you with a soft voice, but nonetheless you feel anger rising in your stomach. _I do not love._ He assumes and it makes you angry. He of all people should know better.

 

“Shut up, Lincoln, or I-“

 

He interrupts you. “I need to check her. Routine.”

_Oh my god._ “Her name is Clarke Griffin.”

 

“Anything else?” He is concerned, his voice is all business.  


“No. You’re the tracker extraordinaire, have fun with it. And don’t call me again unless it is a fucking emergency or I WILL get rid of you.”

 

He laughs. “Yeah, I love you too, sister. Be careful.”

 

“I can’t die, remember?” You answer with a smile on your lips and in a soft voice. “Tell Octavia I say hi.” He annoys you do death, but he is what comes closest to a brother and you love him like one. You hang up and get into your car. _New York. I haven’t been there for a while._

(Of course the Traffic is not kind, but you don’t care. It gives you time to think.)


	2. You pull, I pull (maybe we should push)

**You pull, I pull (maybe we should push)**

**10 th October 2012**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

*****Clarke*****

 

The clouds are closing in as you step out of the bus. The first raindrops fall and you walk around the corner, just a few hundred meters away from home. It starts to rain heavier, but you do not quicken your pace. You know what is waiting for you back there.

Nothing but a pile of dirty clothes to wash that you can’t because the damn washing machine is broken. Again. Since your foster parents passed, life was getting hard and harder. And it seems to become even worse.

 

The rents in Boston are much too high to come up with on your own. Your freezer is empty, the light on your desk is flickering, the window leaky and the radiator out of order. And of course a lot of other things going wrong or barely even working.

 

You look up into the sky, for a short moment you hesitate. _It’s not going to work out. I can’t do this alone._

 

You stop walking, close your eyes shut. You fight the tears back and take a deep breath. _No._ You shake your head. _Everything will be fine._

 

You open your eyes and see Mr. Heathcliff stepping out the building you live in. _Oh shit._ He knows when you arrive home from college, and you are sure he is looking for you to get the rent you owe him. _I can’t do this. Not now._

 

You turn around and head towards the library. You enjoy the walk in the rain.

 

***** Lexa*****

 

You park your car in the same spot as every time. You will receive a ticket and you don’t care, today even less than usual. You are late, so you run into the library, hoping you will make it in time. _Please be late, please, please, please._ You hurry through the well-known corridors and place the red package on the desk Clarke always sits at. You pull out a pencil and open the gift card.

 

_I hope it will comfort you._

 

You take one last look at it before you turn around and walk to your spot. You unpack your bag, sit down and are about to continue your paper on thermodynamics when your phone rings. “Shit… not now.”

 

You grab that annoying piece of useless technology and hurry out of the library to take the call. You take one look at the display, and roll your eyes. _That didn’t take as long as I expected._ “Your timing is shit, Lincoln. What do you have?”

 

“Not much about Clarke, but some interesting facts about her foster parents.” He sounds worried.

 

“Enlighten me. Clarke first.” You close your eyes shut and massage your neck with your free hand.

 

“Orphan; born in the U.S.; birth parents unknown. Adopted as a baby, lived in San Francisco until her foster parents died in a car accident nearly two years ago.”

 

“… Okay. Go on.” You feel anxiety. You never do that.

 

“She studies biology at the university. She is absolutely broke, life insurance won’t pay her off out of reasons I really don’t understand. She sold her parent’s house to come up for everything and moved to Boston half a year ago. No known relatives left, no relevant social contacts.”

 

You hear your own heart break. “That poor thing…” You swallow. “And what’s that about her foster parents?”

 

“Here it’s going to get really strange. I had to hack a few servers I really should not hack to get something that wasn’t in the papers. They were scientists, something military or so. And if you ask me, that car accident wasn’t an accident. They got executed. The whole thing reeks.”

 

 _What the hell._ “Do you think Clarke knows about her foster parents?”

  
“Nope, definitely not. I think she was dragged in. She’s just a girl fucked up by life.”

“Send me everything you have and dig deeper, I want to know everything you can find out. If you are right and it was no accident, Clarke may be in danger.”

 

“Lexa you need to tell Red about this.”

 

“I will when I have no other choice. Now do as I say.”

 

It takes him a few seconds to answer. You know he is arguing with himself. You know you should tell Red now. He knows it too. But he is and will always be on your side. “Okay. Please be careful. I have no good feeling with this.”

 

“Thanks brother….” That is why you love him so much. You hang up, look up to the sky and take a deep breath. _This turns out to be more complicated than I thought._

 

*****Clarke*****

 

You enter the library and get rid of your coat while you keep walking towards your usual spot. With every step you take you feel a wave of calmness flow through you. You walk towards your table and spot a red package on the desk. You furrow but continue to walk towards it and take it in your hands without hesitation. You see the card, open it and read the text. Your eyes grow wide. “Holy shit…”

 

You rip the red paper off and open the simple black box inside it. You feel like your heart stops beating. _This is impossible._ You know that you are looking at a first edition of The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

You jump at the voice and turn around. _Only Mrs. Linton…_ “Yes, I’m fine.” You say and clear your throat. “Do you know who gave this to me?”

 

“Yes. She usually sits down the corridor to your right.” Mrs. Linton points over.

 

You turn to the direction and see a desk at the end of the corridor you have never recognized before. It is covered with books, a black leather jacket is hanging over the empty chair.

 

“She will be right back for sure. She always goes outside to take her calls.” Mrs. Linton smiles at you, taps your shoulder and leaves.

 

“Thanks.” You whisper and walk towards the desk. You feel with every step that brings you closer that your life will never be the same again.

 

***** Lexa *****

 

You made your decision. You feel that Clarke is something very special, so you will take care of her. You know that Red will eventually find out and you groan at the thought of the lecture he will address you with. He loves you and he cares about you. But your instinct tells you to keep her to yourself. For now at least. You snap out of your thoughts the moment you realize that Clarke is sitting at your desk. You freeze and take a closer look.

 

The Origin of Species pressed to her chest with one hand, she takes a close look to your papers. You admire her concentrated stare and furrow. You can’t stop the smile that is forming on your lips. You lean against one of the shelves and just watch her rummaging through your books and notes and turning everything upside down. You don’t care. _Curious. I like that._ Eventually you decide to make her aware of your presence. “Found something interesting?”

 

Clarke jumps up and several papers and books fall to the ground. Someone in hearing range mumbles. “Oh shit… sorry, I did not mean to sniff around.“ She shoots you a billion watt smile that completely breaks you.

 

“It’s okay, don’t be sorry.” You close the distance between you. “My name is Lexa Fox.” You offer her your hand. You recognize the hesitation. You feel panic crawling over.

 

“Clarke.” She answers, her voice a bit raspy. She clears her throat and takes your hand. “Clarke Griffin.”

 

You relax, admiring the feeling of her hand in yours. “Do you want to join me?”

 

“Yeah sure. But I don’t want to keep you from your studies… physics?” She looks curious.

 

You don’t know if you are still smiling, or again. “You do not keep me from anything. I am in no hurry; I do it because I like it, not because I have to. Please, be my company. It’s sometimes kind of lonely in here.”

 

“Sorry for sneaking around in your stuff…” She looks to the ground. You see the red on her cheeks.

 

“Curious?” You say, pulling a chair closer and offer her to sit down.

 

“Kind of.” When she sits, you do too. “You gave this to me?” Clarke looks into your eyes, but her grip on the book tightens.

 

 _Yes, because I fell for you the second I saw you._ You nod. “You seemed to like it a lot. I hope I didn’t do wrong.”

 

“No, no! Never! This is the most thoughtful and kindest thing someone ever did for me.”

 

 _You deserve so much more._ “So you like it?”

 

“Yes” she answers smiling. You realize that her smile will be your undoing. “Thanks... I don’t know how to make this even.”

 

You shake your head. “Please, consider it as a gift. I don’t want anything in return.” _And by the way, I think I love you._

She moves a bit closer and leans her head on her free hand. “But I have one question though.”

 

 _Everything._ “Ask.”

 

“Would you like to enlighten me how you came to the idea of gifting me a book worth a hundred grants without even knowing me?”

 

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._ “Uhm…” _Because I am an idiot falling head over heels for a stranger?_ “I saw you reading it and thought it would be nice if you could read it whenever you want.”

 

“I can’t accept a family heirloom worth this much…”

 

You interrupt her. “It is not a heirloom. I bought it in New York. And money does not mean anything to me. Keep it, I insist.” Your voice is soft but firm. Clarke blushes again. You love to see it. You decide make her blush for the rest of your life.

 

“Thank you. Really, thank you. You have no idea what this means to me…” she answers, barely a whisper.

 

You lean in closer. “You’re welcome, Clarke.”

 

You lose track of time. You feel a connection with Clarke and she opens up to you. You are just inches apart, leaning towards each other. You feel her breath on your lips, her heat on your skin. You drown in her scent, in her eyes. You feel alive and excited, as well as settled and calm.

 

 


	3. You can’t be real (because I feel like I am dreaming)

**You can’t be real (because I feel like I am dreaming)**

**10 th October 2012**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Lexa *****

 

It is late, the library is about to close and you start packing up your stuff, never taking your eyes off the beautiful girl. She tells you about her biology studies and you like it. She is smart and curious and so very much alive; she inflicts you with energy and you feel awake, wide-awake for the first time in years. You finally walk outside, you still listen to her, when she suddenly grows quiet. It’s raining.

 

“I need to go this way.” She points down the street. “If I hurry, I’ll catch the next bus.”

 

You smile and grab her hand, holding it just barely with your fingertips. “Allow me to give you a ride home? Please.”

 

Clarke blushes again, she bites her lower lip, rolls her eyes and looks down. “Yeah sure.”

 

You laugh a lot during the ride. Clarke likes your Jeep but calls it too big for the city and you fake insult.

 

“It may be a big car, but it is safe.” You defend your choice of ride.

 

“I live over there, you can let me out here.” Clarke’s voice is just a whisper again.

  
You nod and smile at her. You recognize a change in her mood. You park your car in front of the building and turn the engine off.

 

“So... thank you for your company, Clarke. It was a lot of fun… let’s do it again.” _Please._

 

“Yeah, it was. I would like to see you again. Are you there tomorrow?”

 

“Whenever you have time to come, I will be there.”

 

“Okay, then… I’ll see you tomorrow?” You think you hear a light panic in her voice.

 

“Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Clarke.”

 

“Good night, and thanks again for bringing me. And the book.”

“Any time.”

 

Clarke leaves the car and walks toward the building. You watch her, or more admire her. She turns around at the doorstep, smiles at you and waves her goodbye. You smile back and feel a sting in your chest when she turns and disappears in the building.

You stretch your neck and see a bracelet of leather and pearls lying on the passenger seat. Your instinct tells you to grab it and run after her. You never question your instinct.

You take it into your hand, remove the car key and get out into the rain. You enter the building and hesitate for a second. You feel something is wrong. You hear a voice rising a few stages up the stairway. You take four steps at once.

 

“I am sick of it. You will pay up now and be gone by tomorrow!” A male voice. Angry. You are only one row of stairs away when you hear Clarke.

 

“I told you, I will-“ Her voice is nearly breaking.

 

“Yes, you told me a lot of stuff and I don’t care! You be gone by the morning, and I dare you to leave without paying up!” The male voice gets louder and more aggressive.

 

You leap up the last stairs and see Clarke cornered by a fat man in sweatpants and a shirt. You feel anger boiling up. You walk over and push your body between Clarke and the guy, your right arm outstretches behind you to shield her off. You take a few steps towards him, and he backs off. You want him as far away from Clarke as possible. You glare at him, you try to stay calm. You feel Clarke’s fingers at the small of your back. You relax. A bit.

 

“Who the hell are you?” You ask the guy, your voice dripping with cold.

 

“I own this building, and that little bitch owes me a bunch of-“

 

You are already sick of this conversation. You interrupt him with a firm voice. “How much?” He looks irritated. You roll your eyes. “Her debt. How much.”

 

He furrows and answers in a surprisingly friendly voice. “Last month and this one. So round about 880.”

 

You do not move or respond. You argue with yourself if to give that idiot what he deserves or to deescalate the situation by tactical retreat. For Clarke’s sake you choose the second option. For now. You slip your left hand into your pocket and pull your money out. You count ten franklins off, fold them in the middle and offer them to him. “Here you are. Keep the rest.”

 

The guy looks satisfied with the outcome. “Good, but nevertheless…” He leans to the side to look at Clarke. “You will-“

 

And that is the moment you lose it.

 

“THAT’S ENOUGH! Back off!” You take another two steps towards him, he steps back. He is afraid. Good. He should be. ”If I ever see you near her again you WILL regret it.” Your voice seethes with anger. You are so ready to destroy him. Only the feeling of soft fingers at your back keeps you from doing it here and now.

 

“Who do you think you-“ He begins, you won’t let him finish another sentence. You just want him gone.

 

“Leave before I forget myself...” He does not answer. He looks at you in disbelief, turns and leaves.

 

It takes you a few moments to contain yourself. You know you have a serious problem with your temper and you don’t want to be anything but kind and comforting for Clarke. You still feel her fingers on your back. You take a deep breath and turn around. Clarke looks at the floor. You see her shaking lightly. _It’s okay. I won’t embarrass you more than I already have._

 

You clear your throat, testing your voice. “May I come in?”

 

She looks up and into your eyes. “Yes… please, come in.” She turns the key in the door to your left and shoves it open. She gestures you to follow, so you do.

 

You stand in the middle of a room. It is cold and moist. You see a small bed, a desk, a shower and a little kitchen in the corner. You try not to look worried. You close your eyes for a second and turn around. You stretch your arm and open your hand palm upwards so Clarke can take her lost bracelet. “You lost it in the car. I am sorry. I am really sorry.”

 

Clarke lays her fingers on the bracelet in your palm. She does not move them away. You can see her fighting the tears. You fight the urge to pull her into your arms.

“Clarke, please listen to me. I am sorry for intervening. I know I had absolutely no right to override you that way, it was none of my business. I just… I have…”

 

“Thank you. Again.” She whispers. She looks at you now. You feel your heart breaking.

 

“You can’t stay here, Clarke.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I think I should start packing up.”

 

She looks pale. You see the sweat on her forehead. “You look exhausted.” You touch her forehead with the back of your left hand. _Feverish_. Your left hand moves with skilled fingers down her jawline to feel her lymphatic gland. _Swollen._ You look into her eyes. _Glassy_. You move your head closer to hear her breathing. _Hoarse and haltingly_. “You seem to have a flu. You need a warm bed and rest.”

 

She looks at you in disbelief. “What, you are a doctor now?”

 

“Actually I am a doctor. My M.D. was the first one I achieved. But that does not matter now.” You rest your hand on her shoulder, near her neck.

 

She tilts her head. “What do you mean the _first_ one? How many do you have?”

 

You sigh. “Medicine, law and philosophy.”

 

Her eyes widen. You feel anxious. She shakes her head slowly. “So you are beautiful, rich and a genius?”

 

You laugh. “I just have a lot of time on my hands. Clarke, you can’t stay here. Come with me.”

 

“You would take me with you…?” She looks surprised and somehow longing.

 

“Only with your permission. I won’t override you again in any decision, I make no mistake twice unless it’s about to save your life. Then I will override you on every cost.”

 

“Permission granted.” She answers with her billion-watt smile.

 

***** Clarke *****

 

You let her take you to her car. You sit back down in the passenger seat and she covers you in a blanket. She turns the heating on and tells you to wait. She tells you she will be right back. She turns to leave, then looks back at you and ask you if you need the furniture. You say no. She nods and leaves.

 

You see her speak to a few guys at the corner. She pays them to load your belongings into the back of the car. It fits in easily. You feel tired and close your eyes. You feel safe. You recognize her get into the car and turn the engine on. You look at her but you don’t know what to say. She seems to feel your stare and turns towards you. She smiles and whispers “So much for the Jeep is too big for the city, huh?” You laugh.

 

You get a bit nervous when she drives into an underground car park that reeks of rich people. She parks the car and calls a number on her phone. “Hello Simon, it’s me. Please gather a few guys. My trunk is full of boxes. I need them in my apartment. And order something to eat, please. I’ll toss you the keys at the elevator.”

 

She speaks quickly and in a low voice. She ends the call and gets out of the car without looking at you. She opens the door and offers you her hand. You take it. She leads you to an elevator. You stop at the ground floor and she hands her car keys to a thin, young guy with red hair. She does not say anything, he just nods. The elevator continues to take you up, and somehow you are not surprised that she lives on the top floor.

 

She guides you to the only door you see in the wide corridor, opens it and bids you in. “Come in, Clarke.” You step in and your mouth falls open. You stand in the middle of an open, wide room. The whole wall opposite of the door is of glass, you see the terrace beyond. There is a piano at the right end and a sofa on the left. The kitchen is embedded in this room, or mere a hall, and every surface you see is black marble.

 

“Please follow me.” You hear her say and turn towards her. She shows you the bathroom (which is too a dream of black marble) and a bedroom. There is a king-size bed and shelves full of books. “Make yourself at home. Dinner is on the way and I’ll get your stuff to the other bedroom. You stay here until we have organized furniture for you.”

 

You look up at her. “This is your bedroom?”

 

She smiles. “Don’t worry. As soon as you feel better we will go out shopping and get you everything you need. I have enough space and an unused room, but just one bed at the moment.”

 

 _Holy shit._ “But I can’t-”

 

“Clarke, please. Lay down and sleep. I insist.” You submit at the touch of her hand on your shoulder. You have a feeling that there is just no cause in fighting her about this. And you are exhausted. “I’ll go get my stuff to check you through. Lay down, you can get whatever you want from the wardrobe.” She points to a door at the other end of the room and leaves you alone so you have a little privacy to change.

 

You grab a shirt and shorts out of the wardrobe and drop your clothes to the ground. You are too tired to look for a laundry basket. You crawl into the bed and curl up in the middle of it. You never imagined that a bed could feel this comfortable. You sit up when you hear a light knock at the door. You clear your throat. “Come in, I am decent.”

 

She steps in and you are stunned by how good she looks with glasses and a stethoscope around her neck. She looks at you with soft and worried eyes and sits down at the edge of the bed.

 

“May I…?” her question is a mere whisper. You nod and move closer. She travels your neck and throat with her fingers and you try your best not to shiver. She tests the reaction of your pupils, measures your fever and pulse.

 

“Would you please sit up and bare your back? Just for a moment.” She asks, low and even. You feel the blush taking over and look down. You move a little and pull your shirt up. You regret that you took your bra off. Your breath hitches when you feel her fingertips moving along your ribcage. You twitch when the cold surface of the stethoscope touches your skin.

 

“Sorry.” She whispers and you just shake your head. “Take a few deep breaths.” You do. You heart speeds up. _Shit… she will hear that._ You try to calm yourself, to slow the rate of your heartbeat, but it’s too late. And Lexa realized it.

 

“Are you okay, Clarke? Are you afraid or nervous? I am so sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

 

You turn your head so you can look at her. “No, I am good, very good.” _I just want to kiss you._

 

“Are you sure?“ She tilts her head and you see as much worry in her eyes as you hear in her question. You take a second to admire her for that.

 

“Yes, I am fine. I promise.”

 

“Okay.” She helps you pull the shirt back down. “As supposed you have a flu, nothing drastic. Stay in bed and rest, you should feel better by tomorrow and recovered by the end of the week. Try to sleep a bit, I’ll wake you when dinner is here.” She turns to leave you. You grab her hand to keep her in place.

 

“I really don’t know how to make all of this up to you.” You say, and your voice is wavering.

 

She turns back towards you. “As I already said, you don’t have to. I don’t want you to make anything up. I just want you to be healthy and happy.”

 

“Why are you doing all this? You don’t know me, I could be a killer or worse.”

 

You see her taking a deep breath. She moves her hand you still hold by its wrist and laces your fingers with hers.“I believe in destiny.”


	4. I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

**I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)**

**21 th November 2012**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Clarke *****

 

You wake up with the sun on your face. You cover your eyes with your arm and enjoy being alive. You take deep breaths and your lips curl into a smile. You crave a cup of coffee with her, so you shove your blanket aside and jump out of bed.

 

You leave your room without redressing; you two share the habit of a coffee in the morning in shirt and shorts. You waltz to the living room, the scent of your beloved black liquid already in your nose.

 

She smiles at you and your heart pounds against your chest. She leans at the kitchen counter and offers you a cup. “Good morning, Honey.” She smiles at you, her eyes roaming over your body.

 

“Hey gorgeous.” You respond. Then you realize that she is _dressed_. “Are you going out? You’re dressed…”

 

She laughs. “You sound disappointed. Do you want me to strip down naked?” The wiggle of her eyebrows make you blush.

 

“You know what I mean…” _If you ask me that way, yes, please._ “I just feel underdressed.”

 

She puts her cup down and looks at you. “You are never underdressed. But I have to leave in half an hour. I will be back in a few days.”

 

You nearly choke on your coffee. “A few days? Where are you going?”

 

“Business meeting, I got the call last night, I can’t cancel it.” You see in her eyes that she is not happy about it either.

 

“Can I come?” You ask, but somehow you already know the answer.

 

”That was my first thought, but your passport is expired and I have no chance to fix this before I have to leave.”

 

“Passport? You are leaving the U.S.?”

 

“Yes. United Arab Emirates to be honest. I will be back in three days, top. Everything will be okay, don’t worry.” She grabs a few papers from the table. “And Clarke, I need you to sign this, please.”

 

You are skeptic, but you do not say anything. You take a look at the papers. “Okay, this looks like some important stuff.” When you read the term ‘Last Will’ you lose your facade. “What the hell…”

 

She reacts fast, you are in her arms before you even realize that your hands shake with anger. “Honey.” She whispers against your ear. “It’s not what it looks like.”

 

“Oh, so this is not your last will?” you snap back.

 

“… okay, it is what it looks like. Let me explain it, please.”

 

“You have a lot of explaining to do! You’re leaving me without warning and ask me to sign your Last Will minutes before you’re taking off?”

 

She lays her right arm around your waist, her left hand cups your cheek and her forehead rests against yours. She closes her eyes and speaks calm, but firm. “Honey, I am taking this plane and I will be back in three days. I want you to sign this just in case something happens to me, and this decision is in no relation to this trip. If anything ever happens to me, I want you to be taken care of. Please trust me and please calm down. You know that I can’t see you cry.”

 

You realize that you sob when you see the tears in her eyes. And you know that she starts to cry when you cry, and you can’t see her cry either. “… Okay.” You take the pen and sign it without reading it further. You don’t care. “You will be back in three days?” You cover her hand on your cheek and hold it tight.

 

“Yes, Honey.” Her answer is a whisper against your lips.

 

“Promise it.” You demand it, with a pout. You always get what you want if you do a pout.

“Honey, I will do everything in my power to return to you as soon as possible. But you know that I never make any promises.” She kisses you softly. “If you need me, you can reach me on my phone.” One more kiss on your cheek. “Sorry.”

 

“I will be fine. Be safe.” You watch her leaving the apartment. You can’t be mad at her when she kisses you.

 

**22 th November 2012**

**Jumeirah at Etihad Towers Hotel, Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

You are nervous. Red only summons you in emergencies. You didn’t argue when he called you yesterday with an address. You are waiting for the elevator to reach the top floor. You smile. You definitely picked up his love for top floors. The elevator arrives at his destination and the doors slide open. You follow the corridor, open the only door, enter the room and walk to the armchair facing the window without hesitation. You drop your bag on the way, stop behind it and bow forwards. You kiss his cheek and whisper “Hey.”

 

Red laughs, stands up and pulls you to his chest. He kisses your head and holds you close. You missed it. He sighs and leans a bit back to look into your face. “Every time I see you, you become more beautiful.”

 

You are used to his charming words. But you smile nonetheless. “What do you want?”

 

“Nothing, to be honest. I am just worried. Have a seat, let’s talk.” He leads you to the sofa and you sit down beside him. His hand rests on your thigh and he looks at you with the loving expression of a father.

 

You furrow. “You asked me to the end of the world with a 911 message for nothing?”

 

“I am worried, that’s far away from nothing. You have a new friend that has already moved in. That seems a bit fast for my taste.”

 

You shove his hand away and jump up. “You’ve got to be kidding me! You called me to the ass of this damn planet because you are _worried_ about _Clarke_?!”

 

“Yes, I did. You know I love you like a daughter. And that girl’s background is far away from decent.” His voice is even and calm, but you see the anger and betrayal in his eyes. _Oh shit, Lincoln._

 

“Red… Lincoln didn’t tell you because I said so. Please leave him be.”

 

“I know what he did and why he did it. And I will not spill a tracker of his unique talent. But I am disappointed that you tried to keep this from me.” You try to form a decent excuse. He continues. “She moved in over a month ago. You didn’t want me to take notice of her.”

 

You give up. You want this to be over. “I was afraid you would not accept her.” You look to the ground. You feel ashamed of yourself.

 

You hear him rise from the sofa and feel his arms around your shoulder. “Lexa, I always accept what’s good for you, as long as it’s safe. And I am not sure that this girl is safe.”

 

You lean into his embrace and whisper against his shoulder. “Her name is Clarke, Red. And I know that her background is a bit… foggy. But I love her.”

 

You feel him relaxing. “Have you told her?”

 

“To be honest, no. Not by now.” You press yourself a bit closer.

 

“If you really love that girl-“

 

“Clarke, Red. Her Name is Clarke. Get used to it.”

 

He laughs. “Good. If you really love Clarke, I will not intervene. I raised you like my own and I will never stand in your way to happiness. But I will give you advice, and I beg you to think about it: Be honest with her. Love is the most precious thing to achieve, and if you are planning to spend your life with Clarke, tell her the truth, always.” He looks at you and you see his love and devotion for you. You see your father.

 

You tilt your head. “Red, you love me and you are far away from telling me always the truth.”

 

He kisses your forehead. “I never lie to you. I just don’t tell you everything. There is a difference. It is my priority to keep you safe. Now, tell me something about Clarke.” He motions for you to sit down again, and you do. He holds your hand.

 

You feel the blush on your cheeks and the smile on your lips. “She is unbelievable. She is so smart. She studies biology with a passion I’ve barely ever seen. She is so loving and warm, she is good to the heart and she always sees the good in everything and everyone. And she is so beautiful Red, I can’t even describe it. She has eyes so deep and calm… I could spend the rest of my life just looking into her eyes. She understands me, I don’t have to explain why I feel what I feel. She just knows and responds. She is my mirror.“ You feel your phone in your pocket. _Message._

 

“You really do love her.” Red mentions with relief. “I am glad you finally found someone to take care of your heart.”

  
“Yes, I love her.” You smile at him. “And in case something happens to me, she gets everything I own. And I want you to look after her.”

 

Red looks at you with a serious expression. “I will take care of her as I take care of you.”

 

“Thanks dad.” You lean in to kiss his cheek. You feel your phone vibrating again. You pull it out of your pocket. _Clarke._ You rise to your feet while you read the first message.

 

_pls come home. I need you_

 

You close your eyes and take a deep breath when you read the second.

 

_No worries, I am ok, sorry_

 

“Red, I have to leave now.” You sound calm and anxious even for your own ears.

 

He looks at you with a worried expression. “What happened?”

 

You smile at him. “Clarke calls me home.”

 

Red laughs. “Then go my love. You can use my plane, it will be faster.”

You look at him and you know that you are very happy to be his daughter. “Thank you Red.” You kiss his cheek again.

 

“Be safe my love. And tell her how you feel.” He kisses the back of your hand. You nod and leave. _I am on my way, Clarke._


	5. I am all yours (you just need to claim me)

**I am all yours (you just need to claim me)**

**23 th November 2012**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Lexa *****

 

You open the door to your apartment as silently as possible. It is late and you don’t want to wake her. You slip in and close the door, scanning your surroundings for a sign of her. You drop your bag, pull off your shoes and prowl over to Clarke’s bedroom.

 

The door is ajar; you slowly open it a bit more and tuck your head inside to look and see if she is okay. Her bed is empty. You frown and suppress the wave of panic. _Stay calm. Think._ You curl the fingers on both of your hands in scratching movements. You do this a lot when you fight fear or anger. You turn around and sneak over to your own bedroom. The door is wide open and you see the dim light of your bed lamp. You enter the room and smile.

 

She lays curled up in the middle of your bed, your pillow pressed to her chest, sleeping. You drop your skirt and blouse and lay down beside her as slowly as you can. You do not dare to slip under the blanket that covers half of her body. You know you will not be able to stop if you touch her bare skin.

 

You have kissed her, placed soft pecks on her lips from time to time, but you are reserved and passive, you are afraid to scare her away if you push too much. And when it comes to Clarke, you know that your self-control will run, run away far and never come back.

 

You move closer until there is only an inch of space left between your arms, your legs and your foreheads. You look at her and drown in the view for a few minutes, until her eyes flutter open.

 

“Forgive me, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Your whisper is so low you are not sure that she hears it. You can’t stop yourself as you place your fingers on her cheek and stroke it with your fingertips.

 

She grabs your hand and presses your palm against her skin. Your heart takes a jump. She closes her eyes again and whispers “Sorry for using your bed…”

 

She moves, she wants to leave. You hold her down and your voice breaks. “Stay, its fine.” You continue to stroke her cheek with her hand still holding yours. “Are you okay, Honey? I got your message, I was worried.”

 

She opens her eyes again. “I am so sorry for that… I am okay now.”

 

“Don’t be sorry…” you lace your fingers with hers.

 

She sobs. “Please don’t leave me again. Not even for a day…” You feel a sting in your chest and pull her closer to you, embrace her and place a lingering kiss on her forehead.

 

“Forgive me, Honey. I never meant to hurt you. And I will do everything I can to never hurt you again.” Your lips touch her forehead while you speak.

 

“How was it?” she asks you and curls deeper into you.

 

“As expected. Miserable, hot and dry.”

 

She laughs lightly. “Why miserable?”

 

You take a deep breath. “You weren’t there with me. It had to be miserable.” You kiss her forehead again and feel her smile against your neck.

 

“And what exactly were you doing over there?” Her voice reveals her nervousness.

 

You take a few seconds to answer. _No more secrets. At least not more than necessary._ “I was visiting a friend of mine… He is kind of a father to me.”

 

“ _Kind_ of a father?” she pulls a bit away to look into your eyes.

 

 _Now or never._ “I am an orphan like you, but my circumstances were a bit different. He picked me up on the streets of Vancouver when I was two or three years old, more dead than alive. He looked after my education and raised me as his own. He never was around a lot, but he always got people to take care of me. I love him like a father. I am what I am because he had the courage and greatness to take me in and raise me. He gave me every opportunity possible. I owe him.”

 

She moves closer again, her face buried in your neck, her lips touching your skin. “As I owe you.”

 

“You owe me nothing Honey. You are giving me so much just by breathing and laughing… I need nothing more than you.” You move one hand to the back of her head to hold her close.

“I missed you, Lexa. I’ve never missed anyone so much… I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore…” You feel her tears on your skin but you do not say anything. You know she is not finished. “I have to ask you something and I need you be absolutely honest with me.”

 

“Ask.” You tighten your embrace.

 

“Do you love me?”

 

You smile. “Do you really need me to answer that?”

 

“I need you to say it.” Her voice is rough. “I need to hear it.”

 

“Yes, Clarke. I love you. I love you so much...” She shakes and cries in your arms. You press her against yourself. “Don’t cry, please… I can’t see you cry…”

 

She leans a bit back, her eyes find yours and you are home. You are grounded. She is your gravity. There is nothing else on this world, just her. Nothing else matters anymore. She is your life, she is your air and your water, she is your wind and she is your wings.

 

She moves a bit closer again, her lips brushing yours while she takes a deep breath. “I love you. And I want to stay here with you tonight.”

 

You close your eyes and you feel her lips brushing against yours again. You feel like you are dying and being reborn all over again. “I want you to stay here with me every night.” You whisper against her lips.

 

You feel her smile again. “Would you please say it again?” her voice is begging and her arms are firm around your waist, pulling you even closer.

 

You tilt your head a bit and whisper “Clarke, I love you…” and she shivers and you claim her lips and you kiss her softly and longingly and you never want to stop.

 

***** Clarke *****

 

You feel like your heart is about to explode. You waited for her lips to kiss you this way far too long. You had your fair share of lips to kiss and explore, but she just blows your mind. Her lips are soft, warm and tender and she guides you and holds you and you are just perfectly comfortable; you do not want to change a thing.

 

You feel the heat of her body, your hands roam her skin and you moan into her parted lips. She bites your lower lip without causing you pain. Her parted lips hover over yours. _She asks for permission._ You open your mouth a bit more and invite her in without hesitation. You shiver when you taste her tongue, feel it against yours. You fight the urge to roll her over and bury her beneath you.

 

Your skin burns like fire, your hands become more greedy and needy. You want her to claim you and you know that she wants to claim you too. You want more, you want everything. And as is she hears your silent call she reacts. She moves her hand to your back and rests her fingers at the claps of your bra. She rests her lips at yours and waits for permission. You nod. You smile at how fast your bra is open and gone. She throws it half way through the bedroom. You are sure to never find it again. You don’t care. You stop thinking when you feel her spread fingers roaming your bare back. You curl yourself further into her and she starts to kiss you harder.

 

You are on your back now, her left arm is wrapped around you, the fingers of her right hand stroke your cheek, your jawline, down your neck. You want to whine when her lips leave yours, but you just moan when she follows the trail of her fingers with open-mouthed kisses. You do not feel her weight, her body hovers over yours. You feel her arm around you; her hair caressing your skin and her lips set you aflame. Her fingers draw a circle over your collarbone, followed by open-mouthed kisses. Your hands are at her neck and you bury your fingers in her hair. You buck your hips upwards when her fingers touch your breast. Her lips follow and you feel your desire washing your mind clean. You look down at her and hold back a moan that tries to escape when you see her caressing your breast. She feels it, stops kissing you. She looks up and into your eyes, she holds your gaze.

 

“Don’t be shy with me, Honey. I want to hear all the sounds you make for me.” She gives you a crooked smile and takes your nipple back between her lips. _God. I am so screwed._ She bites down, just a little harder than before. You don’t hold your moan back this time and you are rewarded with kisses and licks and her hand takes good care of your other breast. She continues her strokes and kisses and she takes her time with every spot on your body that causes you to moan under her touch. She enjoys exploring you, mapping your body, learning you.

 

You thrust your hip upward, you need to feel her. You need pressure, you need friction. You need her skin against yours with all her weight. And she obeys. She lowers her body slowly, her skin touching yours, and you feel ready to die and be reborn. She moves her thigh and places it between your legs. She freezes the second you press your dripping core against it. You smile. She swallows. You smile wider. You move you hip against it. She grips your neck and claims your lips with force. She bites down on your bottom lip, causing a sting. You enjoy it. She licks over your lips and leaves them for your neck. You can tell that she has a thing for your neck and the spot under your ear. You turn your head to give her better access. And she bites down, causing you to moan in desire and thrust against her thigh with all your strength. And she _snarls_.

 

Her left hand supports her weight; her right hand is at your neck, holding you tight where she just bit you. She looks down at you and you moan at the look of her eyes, black as the night and filled with need and desire. You feel your heart pounding so hard it causes you pain. She brings her lips back to yours, kisses you slowly and soft and with tenderness. Her hand leaves your neck and strokes down your breast and belly. She rests her fingers at your panties. She leans a bit back to look at you and you open your eyes. All you see is adoration, devotion and love.

 

“Are you alright, Clarke?” she whispers so softly you can barely hear her. “Is this okay?” and she tucks at your panties. You look back at her and you want to tell her how adorable she is. How loved you feel, how safe you feel. But you can’t find words. So you nod again, lift your head while you grab her neck with one hand and bury the fingers of your other in the skin of her back and kiss her again. You feel her shiver, and then relax. She presses herself against you and you feel every muscle in her body moving. Her heart rate speeds up and you feel every beat of it pump through your own body.

 

She kisses you, she plays with your lips and her fingers roam your neck, your collarbone and your breasts. She moves away from your upper body and trails open mouthed kisses down on her way, caressing your skin with her tongue. Her fingers stroke down your sides, over your hip and down your thighs. They take the last piece of cloth off your body with them and you shiver in excitement.

 

Her fingertips hover over your skin when she arrives at your ankles, sitting on her heels and admiring you. Her lips are parted, her eyes half closed and you feel her hunger when she throws the remaining useless piece of cloth away from you. She bends forward and kisses your ankles, up to your knees, followed by strokes of soft fingertips. You feel her trembling fingers, and you are sure that is not nervousness but desire. You see the primal hunger in her eyes, her movements. She is perfectly still in every one of her moves, she is in control and silent all the time, but you know she wants to lose it. You lean your head back and shut your eyes when her fingers pass your hipbone upwards to your breast and neck. You moan when you feel her lips kissing your inner thigh, moving closer to where you want her so much. Your fingers grip the sheets so hard your knuckles turn white when she places an open mouthed kiss to your core. Your mind is wiped clean and your hips thrust towards her when you hear _her_ moan at how wonderful you taste.

 

You do not sleep this night. You cannot stop. She ruins you in the best ways, over and over again. You have no idea who you are, where you are and it does not matter. You feel her body against yours and you need nothing else. She breathes her loving words of adoration into your ears just to make you forget them again the next second. She does not stop and you don’t want her to stop. She claims you over and over again, she lets you fall apart without letting go, she picks up the pieces and makes you whole again and you feel like finally coming home in her arms.


	6. It’s not the fall that gets you (it’s the sudden stop at the bottom)

**It’s not the fall that gets you (it’s the sudden stop at the bottom)**

**4 th March 2013**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Lexa *****

 

The sun wakes you too early. You don’t mind. You love to watch her dreaming in your arms. You love the shimmer of gold on her flawless skin, the feeling of her warm body while she is fast asleep in your arms. You enjoy her delicate sight every morning and you fall harder for her every time. You still can’t believe how lucky you are to have her by your side.

 

Her head rests in hollow of your neck, one of your arms holding her close. Your other hand plays with her fingers on your breast. You just love her. You love her scent, you love the sound of her heartbeat and the feeling of her breath against your neck. You love how her blonde locks cover the pillow and fall down her remarkable shoulders. You love every single birthmark and you know all of them. You love her dimples when she smiles and you would die for the sound of her laugh. You deify every second with her.

 

She starts to move and stretch without leaving your skin. She smiles.

 

“Slept well Honey?” you ask her and kiss her forehead.

 

“Always.” She mumbles. “I never want this to end.”

 

“Good, me neither.” You mumble against her hair. “Would you please tell me what’s going on Honey? I am worried.”

 

She lifts her head up and frowns. “What? Why?”

  
“You were mumbling in your sleep for a while now. Last night you cried. Tell me about it?” You pull her closer again and lay a hand at the back of her head.

 

She sighs and gives into your touch. “It’s nothing important. Don’t worry.”

 

It is your turn to frown. “I care over everything you think and dream about. And I will support and help you with everything you want me to.”

 

You feel her smile against your neck and the warmth of a blush. “Okay.” She takes a deep breath. “I was researching artificial insemination at the university… and I am stuck. I can’t find a solution. Maybe you will help me? You are an M.D, I am a scientist... we could team up.”

  
You relax a bit. You expected something worse. “I like the idea. Where is the problem?”

 

“I tried to simulate it with ova only.” Her voice trembles.

 

You think about that for a minute. “And is there a special reason you are researching a way for procreation between females only?” _Just say it._

 

She stills. “Because I can’t stop thinking about having a child. With you. I want this child to be us.”

 

To this point you were sure you could not love her more. You do. She makes your world stop. Again. You close your eyes and embrace her, place kisses on her cheeks and her closed eyes. “Then let’s try to find a way.”

 

Clarke moves a bit back to look at you. “You will…?”

 

“… make babies with you?” You answer smiling. “Of course I will. If I am going to raise a child, or five, I will only do it with you and I would be honored and happy beyond description.”

  
“You have absolutely no idea what this means to me.” She says, smiling wide and placing kisses to your neck. “Can we start today?”

 

You laugh at the excitement in her voice. “As you wish Honey…” You nuzzle against her. ”I will need a few blood samples.” You kiss her neck and her shoulder. “And I need you to observe your temperature; we have to extract ova.”

 

Clarke twitches. “Can you extract it yourself?”

 

You stop kissing her and look at her with a raised eyebrow. “Of course. As if I would let anyone else near my territory.” She laughs. You stay in bed a while longer.

 

**17 th May 2013**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Lexa *****

 

 _This is impossible._ You sit in your lab. You examine one of Clarke’s blood samples and write down notes. You hear her walking through the living room. You slip the notebook into the top drawer and try to relax.

 

Clarke enters the lab, walking towards you. She offers you a cup of coffee. “What are you doing?”

 

You take the cup. “Looking at your blood, Honey.” You take a sip of the coffee and smile. She sweets it with honey instead of sugar, and you love it. You turn, take her hand and kiss its back. “Thank you Honey.”

 

She tilts her head and smiles. “You have been looking at my blood for weeks now. Anything new?”

_Yes. You are dying and I have no idea why or how to stop it._ “Not yet, Honey.”

 

Clarke sighs. “Okay. I am taking off to college now. I will be late today.”

 

You rise from your chair and pull her into your arms. “See you later Honey, be safe.” You kiss her. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” She answers and places a peck on your lips.

 

She turns and you feel the guilt. _I can’t tell her. Not now. Not without a way out._ You hear the door snap in and return to your work. You have been studying her blood for weeks now, and it’s getting worse. Whatever is corrupting her body, it grows fast and you have no idea what it is. _I will find it out and get you well before you even recognize you are sick._

 

Your phone snaps you out of your concentration. You take the call. “Lincoln, please tell me you found something. Please.” You are beyond desperate.

 

“I found something, but you won’t like it.” He sounds tired. And worried.

 

“Give it to me straight….” You close your eyes and prepare for the worst.

 

“You were right. She is classified as an experiment of a project called ‘Wamplei’. Her blood is a weapon. She is not the only one.”

 

 _God damn it._ “Mount Weather Corp?”

 

“You were right about that too. I can’t prove it right now, it seems Mount Weather Corp lost track of her. But nothing else makes sense.”

 

“I expected that, so what exactly is the not so good news?”

 

“I think Mount Weather Corp recognized me sniffing around their servers.”

 

You swear your heart stops beating. “Oh my god… did they track you back?”

 

“I am not sure.”

 

“Okay, cut it off. This is too big for both of us. If they have tracked you back, they will find...” _Clarke._

 

“Yeah and that’s the bad news, they will find you. Everything in here is registered to you, Lexa. I can get out within thirty minutes and leave nothing behind. But if they have tracked me, they will find you.”

 

“Mount Weather Corp has an office near Paris... if they tracked you back you have to leave NOW. Burn everything down to the ground and run!”

 

“Jesus fucking Christ… Okay. I’ll call you when I am out.” You hear him packing up.

 

“Be safe, brother.”

 

“You too.” You end the call, take a deep breath and dial Red’s number. _You are the only one who can help me know._ He picks up after a few seconds.

 

“Love, are you alright?” He is calm. You sob. Now he is worried. “What happened?”

 

“I lost control. Clarke is not a simple orphan, she is some kind of an experiment – and her maybe-makers may have tracked Lincoln sniffing their servers from my apartment in Paris. And Clarke… she is sick, Red. I have absolutely no idea what to do.”

 

He takes a few seconds to answer. You wait. His voice is all business. “First of all: calm down. Pack your bags, destroy every picture with you on it, grab your papers and research and come to the airport.”

 

You feel the panic boiling over. “And Clarke? I can’t leave her!”

 

He stays calm. You need him calm. “Her makers know that she’s alive and with you?”

 

“No.” _Not yet._

 

“If they find you, they find Clarke. You have to leave NOW.”

 

“I can’t leave her, Red, I-“

 

“You have to. There is no other way. For now.”

 

Your thoughts are running. “Can you overwrite her this apartment? I want her to be okay.”

 

“I’ll take care of it. Now go.”

_Oh my god._

 

You pack up your research, most of Clarke’s blood samples and a few clothes. You destroy everything that could be tracked back to you. You are Red’s daughter after all, and you are always careful. You are prepared.

 

It takes you less than an hour. You know Red is right. You need to leave to protect Clarke. You need more resources to cure her. You need to keep her off the radar. You need to take out Mount Weather Corp.

 

You have to follow your head, not your heart.

 

**17 th May 2013**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Clarke *****

 

You come home pretty late. You had a good but long day. All you want right now is a hot bath with your girlfriend. You sense that something is wrong when you open the door to your apartment.

 

You search for her and you recognize some missing pictures. You can’t find her, the lab is empty and all the lights are out. But her cars are still in the parking lot. _Has she already gone to bed?_ You go to your bedroom and open the door. You turn the light on and feel a knot in your stomach. The room is empty. You see a note on your pillow.

 

_Honey,_

_Do you remember the day we met, when I told you that I would never override you again in any decision – except if it’s about to safe your life? Believe me – that’s what I am doing right now._

_I love you. I love you more than I can explain. I have no choice._

_The apartment is yours. There is money in the safe and the bills are going to be paid. You have to worry about nothing._

_I love you, believe me, I love you. And I promise you, I will be by your side the day you need me most._

 

You read it over and over again. The ink on the paper was messed up with her tears. Yours mess it up even more. Your head refuses to process the information. It takes you hours to realize that you are awake and not dreaming. Lexa is gone.

 

It takes you weeks until you can sleep at least a few hours straight. You wake up screaming and crying every night. You skip the rest of the semester at the university. You spend your days looking out the window, crying, waiting. She does not come back.

 

When her clothes and her pillow lose the last bit of her scent you admit that you have to move on. You sell the apartment with everything in it and the cars. You do not bother to meet the buyer, they pay what you want for it.

 

On your last day in Boston you pack up clothes, the money from the safe and your loved copy of The Origin Of Species. And the note. You leave heartbroken and with tears in your eyes.

 

You get a seat at the University of Minnesota to continue your biology studies with the first semester of 2013 and a small apartment for rent in Minneapolis. You move in and you feel better. Your heart is still broken, you still wake up screaming most nights and she is always on your mind. But you can handle it. You have to.

 

**Part I – End**


	7. I am your Alpha (you are my Omega)

**Part II**

**I am your Alpha (you are my Omega)**

**17 th August 2015**

**The Westin Harbor Castle Hotel, Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

***** Lexa *****

 

You prowl through the room like a restless tiger on a hunt. Your fingers snap open and close. You are a ticking bomb. You are frustrated. “Lincoln, faster. We are running out of time.”

 

Lincoln sighs and looks over to his sister. Octavia shrugs. He clears his throat. “I know that we are running out of time, and you should know that we are doing our best.”

 

 _Not enough._ Your voice drips with cold. “If anything happens to her because we are too late I will-“

 

“Eat us alive, we know.” Octavia interrupts you. She is a skinny little girl, but you know what she is capable of. “It wasn’t planned that Mount Weather would get hold of her before we did. We will fix this, but we need you to stay calm.” She shoots you a loving look. “Patience, sister. Patience.”

You know she is right. She is at least as good as you are. And you are well aware that you lack patience since you left Clarke. It nearly killed you a few times in the last months. She saved your hide every single time. “I know... I just…” You can’t find the words.

 

Lincoln rises and walks over to hug you. “We will get her out and back to you.” You nod. He kisses your cheek and gets back to work.

 

It is midnight when Octavia jumps off the couch and looks at you with a crooked grin. ”They are ready.”

 

You feel satisfaction and excitement. You feel your muscles craving for violence. Your mind is sharpening, your senses heightening. Your body prepares for battle. You smile back at her. “Let’s give them hell.”

 

**17 th August 2015**

**Mount Weather Corp, Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

You lead the convoy of four black jeeps and a military ambulance through the city to the parking lot of Mount Weather Corp. You get out of the car, heavily armed and flanked by Lincoln and Octavia. You look at your siblings and nod. _Thank you._ You don’t need to say it out loud, they know. You are bound to them; you would risk your life for both of them without hesitation, just as they do for you. And always have.

 

You take a look at the other thirteen you have with you. Assassins. Some hilariously tiny guy they call “Fire in the Hole”. Soldiers. They look like a mixed up group of inmates in some high security prison. But you know that they are all unique in their talents. Red sent you his best to get Clarke back and wipe Mount Weather Corp out once and for all. You smile and turn towards the building. Everyone knows what to do. The plan is simple.

 

Find Clarke. Get her out. Secure Data. Blow the building up. No prisoners. Vanish into thin air.

 

You take a deep breath, close your eyes and give in to your instinct. You are well trained, you have killed before and you know you will kill again tonight. You will destroy everything and everyone that stands in your way to Clarke. You feel your heart rate speeding up, wanting to perform. You feel your muscles flex, wanting to burst. You feel your Instinct taking over your mind, urging you to leap forward and set hell loose. So you start running, a murderous smile on your lips.

 

And fifteen of the most deadly human beings alive follow you.

 

***** Clarke *****

You have made your peace with this shit. You are okay with being an experiment. Actually, you are fascinated by it. You are okay with dying. You are not ready, but you have accepted that there is nothing you can do about it.

 

But you are definitely not okay with being locked up in here. And you are definitely not okay with Raven being locked up too. You lay on your cot and watch her sleep. She is an experiment like you, you are siblings. You got to know her over the past year and you love her like a sister. She is wilder than you are, and by the rapid decrease of your condition she is stronger now. You are the smart scientist, she is the wild cat. _What a cliché_.

 

You sigh and close your eyes. You see _her_. You always do. You ask yourself if she thinks about you sometimes. You hope so. And some part of you still clings to her promise.

 

_And I promise you, I will be by your side the day you need me most._

 

You had an alarming amount of days you would have needed her more than everything else. But at some point you have given up. She won’t come back. You just cling to it because you have nothing else to hold on to and the memories you have with her still make you smile.

There is nothing you can do. Not to save Raven, not to save yourself. You feel tears in your eyes. You are grateful for the darkness and the silence.

 

You hear the gunshots when you are about fall asleep. Raven is already on her feet and by your side. You try to sit up; she holds you down and squeezes your hand and shoulder. “Stay down, Clarke.” You are in no condition to fight her and you are too done with the world to argue her not to mother you. So you stay down.

 

You hear a few screams and more shots coming closer to your room. You hear a female voice barking commands. You wince when you hear the door lock breaking. Raven widens her stance and stays between you and the door. You glance over and see the door _falling_ to the door with a bursting clash. A surprisingly tiny and skinny girl enters the room, followed by four (as far you can see behind Raven) armed soldiers.

 

She looks at Raven, then at you. You see her relax. She turns her head to the soldiers, her eyes stay on you. “Secure the floor. No one leaves, no one enters.” The soldiers leave the room in an instant. You raise an eyebrow at how funny it looks that this tiny person commands grown men double her size. She speaks to her headset now. “We found her. The floor is secure. We’ll wait for you.”

 

You grab Raven’s hand and stop her from leaping at the girl. She shoots you a questioning look. You do not say it out loud. _No. Wait._ She nods and relaxes a bit. You look over to the girl and clear your throat. “Excuse me, who are you?” The girl turns and looks at you.

 

Her expression is soft. “I am Octavia.”

 

You nod. “And what are you doing here, Octavia?”

 

She laughs and answers “Patience, Clarke. Patience.” You feel like someone has shot you. She recognizes the change in your expression, nods and turns around again.

 

_Patience, Clarke. Patience._

 

You heard that so often. _She_ used to say it all the time. You feel Raven stiffening beside you and you look up again. Someone is coming. You look at the door and your heart escalates. Octavia nods once and steps aside to clear the way.

 

_This is impossible…_

 

You know it is her when she appears at the door. You smell her, you hear her and you _feel_ her. You look at her, unable to move, unable to say something. She is covered in blood, a weapon in each of her hands. She is dressed in all black, a tight leather jacket and pants, black combat boots and you recognize two daggers at her gun belt. She looks like an angel dressed to kill. And you are well aware that no one is covered with that amount of blood without killing someone.

 

You have never seen her standing so tall, looking so fierce and dripping with authority and power. You shiver. She has become even _more_ beautiful.

 

***** Lexa *****

 

Your heart stops beating when you hear Octavia’s voice. “We found her. The floor is secure. We’ll wait for you.”

 

You look at the little display on your wrist and run towards Octavia’s position. A Mount Weather Corp security guard crosses your way. You leap forward; he lands hard on his back and you on top of him on your heels. You pull your guns out, shoot him in the head two times and start running again. All of this happens in one flowing movement.

 

You see Octavia standing by a door in a corridor guarded by four of your men. You slow down. Your instinct backs off and with it the adrenaline. You feel your heart painfully beating against your ribcage. You feel a sharp pain at your side. You feel a broken rib. You feel a cut at the back of your head and the blood running down your neck. You feel a sting in your left lung with every breath. You feel a dislocated finger. You don’t give a shit.

 

You walk towards Octavia. She looks at you, nods, and steps aside. You walk through the doorframe and see _her_. She lays on a cot, leaning up on her elbows. She is pale and tired and she has gotten skinny, as far as you can see. She looks at you. You focus on her eyes. You see relief. You see love. You see tears. You walk towards the cot. You know that there is another experiment, Raven you assume, but you can only focus on Clarke.

 

You realize that Raven tries to stop you but Clarke waves her off with her hand. You take one step after another until you reach the cot. You drop your weapons to the floor and let yourself fall down to your knees. You feel tears running down your cheeks. You look at her, she looks at you. There is nothing to say, nothing to do.

 

“We need to leave now; the dwarf will blow this place up in five minutes.” Octavia’s voice is a whisper, soft but firm.

 

You do not look at her, but you nod. Your eyes are locked with Clarke’s. You pick your guns up and secure them at your sides. You swallow. “I need to get you out of here, Honey.” Clarke opens and closes her mouth, but no word leaves her lips. She nods only once. It’s enough for you. You stand up straight, shove your arms under her back and her knees and lift her up. You press her against your chest and ignore the pain. You turn and follow Octavia. You do not slow when you turn around a few times to check if Raven is still following you.

 

You arrive at the parking lot; Lincoln runs towards you and stretches his arms out to take over Clarke. “Let me take her, you are hurt.”

 

You tighten your grip on her and snarl. He backs off with raised hands “Okay. Sorry.” He turns and opens the door of the ambulance for you. You step in and lay Clarke down on the cot, but your hands stay with her. Raven sits down beside you. Lincoln closes the door and sits beside Octavia in the cab. You feel the ambulance moving. You calm down.

 

You want to tell her how sorry you are. You want to tell how much you love her, how much you missed her. “I need to inject you. Do you want me to anesthetize you?“ You pull your gloves off and drop them to the ground.

 

Clarke swallows. She opens her mouth, closes it again. She clears her throat. “I don’t want to be anesthetized.” Her eyes never leave yours.

 

You move your fingers over her palm. “Are you sure? It will hurt, Honey.”

 

There are tears in her eyes. “I can’t close my eyes again… I… If I fall asleep and wake up again and you…” The tears run down her cheek. You catch them with soft fingers.

 

You cup her cheek and lean in closer. “I _promise_ you I will be by your side when you wake up again.”

 

She sobs and nods. You prepare the narcotic.

 

“Clarke, are you okay with this?” Raven sounds worried and uneasy. You have completely ignored her.

 

Clarke looks over to her experiment and smiles. “Yes, Raven. Trust her. I do.” Raven looks stern, but nods eventually and leans back.

 

You place a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Lay down, relax. I will take care of you.” You see fear in her eyes. “I will be here when you wake up. I promised it.” She smiles and closes her eyes.

 

You pull her sleeve up and prepare the narcotic. You know what you are doing; your moves are skilled and aimed. You recognize Raven watching you like a hawk. “Want to assist me, Raven?”

 

She frowns, but rises and steps beside you. “What do you need me to do?”

 

You smile a weak smile. “Hold her hand. Be here for her. She needs you.” Raven looks perplexed for just a second. She takes Clarke’s hand in both of hers and places a kiss on her knuckles. You inject the narcotic. She sleeps within seconds. You monitor her vitals and prepare the second injection.

 

“What are you giving her?” Raven asks, a bit nervous and a lot of strength in her voice.

 

You take a deep breath. “The cure to her sickness.”

 

Raven squeezes Clarke’s hand. “Who the bloody hell are you?”

 

You place the second injection. “For now a friend. We will arrive at the airport in the next half hour.”

 

“Where are you taking us?”

 

You sigh. “Boston.” _Home_.

 

**18 th August 2015**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Clarke *****

 

You wake up very slowly. You try to move your arm, but it does not work. You try to open your eyes, but your lids are too heavy so you concentrate on what you feel. You feel fingers laced with yours. You feel a heartbeat beside you. You feel a warm breath tickling your neck. _You are here_.

 

It takes you minutes to get yourself awake to a state you are able to turn over to your side. It is night, but the moon shines bright enough to see that she is curled up beside you, her hand in yours. She sleeps. You look at her and think about what she had gone through over the last year and a half. You never thought about that. You were too busy with your own grief.

You see that she has gotten skinny. You see a bruise below her eye. You see a crease on her nose. You see that her lip is split. You allow your tears to fall. You move closer to her, you lay your arm around her and rest your forehead against hers. You breathe her in. You feel complete again.


	8. Your hands can bruise, your hands can heal (and I need it both)

**Your hands can bruise, your hands can heal (and I need it both)**

**18 th August 2015**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Clarke *****

 

You hear a knock at the door. “Anyone awake in there?” _Raven_.

 

“Come in, Raven.” You say, your voice low and soft. The door opens slowly and she enters. She walks over to your side of the bed, nodding at Lexa’s sleeping form, and sits down. “Clarke, are you alright?” She mumbles and leans close to you.

 

You smile at your sister. “Yes, I am fine. A bit tired.”

 

Raven looks over your curled up bodies and frowns a bit. “Will you tell me now who she is?”

 

“Her name is Lexa Fox.” You answer and look over to her still sleeping form. You sit up slowly so you won’t wake her.

 

Raven rolls her eyes. “Yeah, that’s what I wanted to know.” She grabs your arm and turns it around. “You have the same tattoo. And she quartered me into a bedroom that looks like you would live in there. I am not satisfied with a name, Clarke.”

 

You look at the dandelion on your arm and a smile forms on your lips. “The bedroom was mine. It’s a long story, and I will tell you all of it. But for now just trust me. Okay?”

 

“I am not happy with this, Clarke.” Raven answers, but you know you won this argument. She trusts you, so she will trust her. “I love you, Clarke. I can’t do this without you.”

 

You take her hand and squeeze it. “I won’t leave you. We are sisters. And I love you too.”

 

“I’ll let you rest now, I’m in the living room.” She kisses your cheek and moves to leave. She smiles at you when she closes the door behind her.

 

“It is still your bedroom.”

 

You look down to Lexa, her eyes are still closed. “You’re awake?” you ask her while your fingers stroke her cheek. _Muscle memory_.

 

She opens her eyes, still sleepy. “Yes… I sleep lightly lately.”

 

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you.” You lean in a bit closer. _Damn muscle memory_.

 

She chuckles and clears her throat. You love the sound of it. “There is nothing I want more than to be woken up by you.” She sits up and looks into your eyes. “How are you feeling, Clarke?”

 

“Dizzy, hungry. And there is a sting in my heart.”

 

Her expression changes within a second, her eyes shoot open wide and she looks at you with worry. She places one hand on your back and one under your chin. “Describe the pain, does it pulse with your breath?”

  
_You are and always will be a M.D. first._ You close your eyes, lean into her touch and smile. “Metaphoric pain.”

She closes her eyes and drops her hands and her head. “Clarke, listen… I never meant to cause you pain... I… I…” Her voice breaks.

 

You move closer to her and lay your arms around her. “We have time to talk this through…“

 

“Are you okay, Clarke? Physically.” She asks against your shoulder. You feel her weight and she gives in to you.

“Yes, but I would kill for a shower.” You feel her stiffen in your arms.

 

“The anesthetization side effects will take a few hours to pass. You can’t shower alone in your condition.” Her voice is business now. It’s not _her_ voice; it’s the voice of _your_ M.D.

 

You lean back and wiggle your brows. “Want to help me?”

 

“I.. yes, sure. I…” she stutters. You see longing in her eyes. And something you can’t put your finger on. _Fear? Shame?_

 

You decide not to ask her about it now. “You saw me naked before. If you don’t want to it’s okay, I can ask Raven to help me.”

 

“No, no!” She takes your hands into her own. “I just didn’t expect you to be okay with me helping you with… this… it has been a while.”

  
You smile and tilt your head. “It’s been long. Too long.”

 

She helps you to the bathroom with one arm around your waist. She holds you tight while you sit down at the side of the corner bathtub. When you sit and she is sure you won’t fall off, she leaves to fetch fresh clothes and closes the door. She locks it. _Habit_. She puts the clothes on the counter and looks at you. She grabs your hand with soft fingers and looks into your eyes. You know that look. She asks for permission.

 

You close your eyes and feel her fingers at your neck, moving upwards to your cheeks. You smile at the known procedure. You lift your arms over your head and her fingers tuck at the bottom of your shirt, moving it slowly upwards. You recognize her hesitating for a second when she is about to pull it over your breasts. She knows you wear no underwear. When the shirt is gone you open your eyes and look at her.

 

Her lips are parted and her breath is smooth but faster than usual. She does not try to hide her admiring looks. You hold your hands towards her and she helps you up. You lay your arms on her shoulders and lace your fingers behind her neck. She looks into your eyes while she tucks your sleeping pants open and lets them slip to the ground.

 

You feel her fingertips at your hips and her gaze on your lips. She curls her fingers against your skin and her hands move up your sides. She roams your upper back and lets her hands rest there. She tilts her head and moves closer, until there is just an inch between your lips. She waits. You feel your knees go soft. She feels it too and she reacts before you completely realize that you are going to lose your balance. One of her hands stays at your neck, her other is at the small of your back in an instant, pressing you against her, holding you close and tight and supporting your weight.

 

She knows you. She reads every one of your movements and breaths, she feels you. You move, she moves.

 

You can’t hold back the moan and close the distance between your lips. She takes your bottom lip between hers as she moves tenderly and slowly. There is no rush, no hurry. You enjoy her tenderness. But it is not enough.

 

You break the kiss, lean back, still secure in her embrace. “You need to get out of those clothes.”

 

Her expression is unmoved, but you see it again in her eyes. _Fear. Or shame?_ You are not sure. She directs you to sit down again and you do so.

 

You feel that she is going through the same memories as you are. You have seen her stripping down for you often and you loved it. She danced for you from time to time and you feel heat between your legs just at the thought of it. You loved her lap dances. You lean back on your outstretched arms and prepare yourself to enjoy the show with a wide grin on your lips.

 

She stands very still and shy, looking at you. She takes a step back. She closes her eyes when she grabs her top at the bottom and pulls it over her head in one slow but flowing movement.

 

Your eyes grow wide when you see how skinny she has become. Your smile fades when you see the angry red and black bruises. You catch your breath when you see the scars covering her former flawless skin. She stands perfectly still. She gives you all the time you need to process what you see. You move yourself a bit forward and stretch your hand towards her. You do not dare to sit up, so she moves closer until your fingers touch her skin.

 

You trail the scar that starts at her hip, over her side and ends just before her breast with your middle and index finger. It is deep and uneven, still hard and pink and not fully healed. _Knife_. You see a hand full of scars your mind refuses to link with a weapon for a few seconds. _Bullets_. Your eyes roam her upper body and stop at her neck. There is a scar, just an inch long, at the hollow between her neck and shoulder. _Stabbed._

 

She bends down and removes her trousers. Her thighs don’t look any better. You feel tears in your eyes. She is on her knees in front of you. Her arms rest on your sides and she looks at you with vulnerable eyes. You take her face into your hands and caress her cheeks with your thumbs. You take a few deep breaths. You shake your head. She understands. _Not now_.

 

Her head sinks into your touch and you sigh. “Come here…” is all you whisper. She looks up to you and you see nothing other than adoration. You pull her to you and she obeys, your lips meeting hers, again in a soft and slow kiss. She does not break the kiss while she stands up, her hands on your hips, pulling you to your feet and guiding you backwards to the shower.

 

Under the hot water of the shower you break the kiss and lean back to look at her still flawless and beautiful face. She looks at you with questioning eyes. You smile and you move your body closer to hers, your lips brushing the skin of her neck. “Don’t be afraid…” you kiss her collarbone “… you are beautiful.”

 

You hear her breath hitch. Your hands roam her body, you have known it better than your own, and though it has changed on the surface, she is still the same. She is still yours with every cell of her body and every spark of her soul. And you will make her see that. You trail her curves with soft fingers and tender lips; you map every change, every scar and tend to every bruise with loving kisses. You feel her relax; you see the fear and the shame vanishing from her eyes and making a place for desire.

 

She pulls you even closer. You feel your knees going weak. You missed her possessive nature, the way she holds you, adjusts you to get what she wants. You missed her strong embrace, her devoted gaze. You missed everything about her. You give in to her completely. There is no defense, no hesitation and no fear. She claims you, and you let her, you even invite her to.

 

Her lips caress yours, trail to your cheeks, to the spot under your ear, your neck, your shoulders. She pins you to the wall, her left arm around the small of your back, her right hand covers your hand, fingers laced. She kisses your upper body up and down, leaving soft marks without pain. When the first moan leaves your throat, she snarls. She moves her hip, widens her stance a bit and presses her thigh between your legs.

 

You feel your ability to stand fade the second you feel the friction. She presses you harder to the wall, her grip rock-solid around you. Her snarl grows louder and more aggressive. You know she has waited too long for you. You know she has gone through hell and back for you. You know she needs to feel you. Taste you. Claim you. And you are in no condition to argue. And honestly, you don’t want to.

 

Her hand leaves yours, trailing down your arm, your shoulder, your collarbone. She takes her time with your breasts and you give in to your reflex and rock your core on her thigh. You squeeze your eyes shut and moan, and your moan just fires her on more. She buries her fingers deep into your flesh, supporting your movement, pressing harder against you. Her lips are at your neck, and you feel her teeth on your skin. She holds back. You don’t want her to.

 

You wrap your hands around her neck, pulling her close. You don’t know how you manage to speak and you are not sure how she is able to understand, but she does. “Don’t hold back-“ leaves your lips between moans and her name, and she bites down. You know that she draws blood, and you enjoy it. Her grip tightens, her thigh leaves your core and you want to whine about the loss of friction when you feel her hand cupping you.

 

You open your eyes and your mouth and you breathe in hard when she pushes two fingers inside you. She is not gentle. She doesn’t have to be. Her lips suck blood out of the wound on your neck, her fingers curl deep inside you and her palm gives you the perfect amount of pressure. She knows your body. She knows how to drive you mad. And she has you screaming in pleasure within moments.

 

When you come back to reality, you are still in the shower, hot water raining down on you and steam surrounding you. Soft yet strong arms hold you close to the only body you want to feel against yours. She kisses your neck softly. She is sorry. She will tend to it later. You nuzzle yourself into her and she curls herself around you. You are home.

 


	9. I missed you (it’s like no time has passed)

**I missed you (it’s like no time has passed)**

**18 th August 2015**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

***** Lexa *****

 

You are tired and still sore but you heal like an animal, so your injuries do not bother you as much as your heavy lids. You enjoy dinner with Clarke and Raven and you delight in their happiness to be safe and together. You are quiet most of the time, but you soak in what you see and hear and indulge yourself in the smiles and the laughs. You are passive, because you are really tired and on the other hand you simply enjoy what you see and don’t want to interrupt it. You are not surprised however, when Raven clears her throat and looks at you all business like. You expected the questions sooner or later.

 

“So, what now?” Her question is short and you put your cutlery on the table to cross your arms and take a deep breath.

 

“Clarke is cured. I will monitor her vitals for a while longer, but it will not be a problem anymore. For now we stay here until my father calls to confirm that Mount Weather Corp is history. Afterwards he will pay us a visit here-”

 

Clarke interrupts you. “Your father? Red?” There is a smile of excitement on her lips.

 

You nod, smiling at her, and continue looking back at Raven. “He will bring your new papers.”

 

“So we get new identities then?” Raven asks, as she leans back in her chair. She is skeptical.

 

“Only if you wish, of course. You are no hostages and you are free to go wherever you want. But the offer to take care of your identity out of obvious reasons as well as a home you can live in stands.”

 

Raven looks to Clarke. You look away, as you want them to have a little privacy. After a few moments Clarke speaks, her voice only a whisper. “I lost her once, Raven. I will go wherever she goes and I want you to come with me. You are my sister and too many of us are dead. I can’t lose you too.”

 

Raven sighs. “I love you too, Clarke. You know that.” There is silence for a few seconds. “It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

  
Clarke giggles, gets up and walks around the table to embrace her sister. They both smile, and you are satisfied.

 

You talk for a few hours, mostly about the houses in Washington you are going to live in. Money has never been a problem for you, and even if it was, it wouldn’t be a problem for Red. Though he is a criminal and you are very well aware of that, he is one of the good guys. He picked you up when you were a lost child left on the streets to die and he took care of your education. He supported your wish to take piano lessons and sent you to several martial art trainers when you told him you wanted to know how to fight. He taught you how to use a gun and how to fight with knives. _If you have to choose between a gun and a knife, chose the gun. A bullet does not stop you, a knife does. Stab and turn, it is controlled pain._ You still hear his voice and smile at the memory. When you think about it, you feel the scars on the left side of your chest. _I chose the gun. I survived._

 

It is after midnight when you decide to go to bed. Raven kisses Clarke and waves at you. She does not get easily attached to people, but you are okay with that. You will give her all the time she needs. Clarke is already in bed when you come out of the bathroom. She smiles at you and you join her and you are prepared for her questions too. She pulls your shirt up and her fingers trail the scar at your side.

 

“Tell me about it.” It is not a question; she demands.

 

 _No more secrets._ “We located a genetic engineer in Hungary that had history with Mount Weather Corp.”

 

“Who is ‘we’?”

 

“Octavia, Lincoln and I.” Clarke nods and you continue. “So, we traveled there. We hoped to get some information about your sickness. I was impatient and reckless. We were prepared for six guards, there were eight. I didn’t see them coming.”

 

Clarke is quiet. She moves down your body and kisses the scar. After a few minutes she whispers against your skin. “How close was it?”

 

You swallow. _No more secrets._ “It wasn’t the closest one. Octavia was with me in seconds. She saved my hide, she always does.”

 

“She is Red’s daughter too?”

 

“No. She works for Red, as Lincoln does. But I grew up with them. They looked after me, played with me, trained me, taught me… They are my siblings. And I can’t count how many times these two saved my life.”

 

Her forehead rests at your side and you lay your arm around her shoulder. She takes a deep breath. “You will never be so reckless again. You will take care of yourself and you will always tell me the truth.” She does not move. You look down at her.

 

“As you wish my queen.”

 

“You will never leave me again. Never.”

 

You pull her closer and hold her tight. “I will never leave you again.” You feel her relaxing against you. Her fingers trail your upper body and she maps every scar she finds. She does not ask again what caused the damage, she just wants to get used to the changes on _her_ body. You are hers, body, mind and soul. You are bound to her in ways you can’t understand or put into words.

She knows that you will stay with her. You couldn’t survive losing her again. You are hers and always will be.

 

**19 th August 2015**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

 

***** Clarke*****

 

You wake early and spend the morning hours looking at her. She is so beautiful when she is sleeping. There is this peaceful expression on her face that makes your heart slow down, your breath softer. You could spend the rest of your life watching her sleeping form, stroking her bangs out of her face and kissing her fingers.

 

It feels like no time has passed since May last year. You feel that you slip back into your routine like nothing has ever happened. You smile at yourself, at her, at your life.

 

Eventually she wakes up, smiling at you. You lean over and kiss her, whispering against her lips. “It’s Sunday…”

 

Her smile grows wider. “I’ll make you breakfast, you pick a book.”

 

You love watching her cooking. You sip your tea and delight in the smell of your favorite breakfast. You are already on the couch with the book in your hands. You picked a German novel to read, you know she loves it. You still struggle with the language, but she is patient. She settles down beside you as you always have. You finish your breakfast and make yourselves comfortable.

 

“What the hell are you two doing?” You do not need to look up so see the judging ‘look at you two dorks’-look Raven gives you.

“We are reading a book. You should try it, it’s relaxing.” You answer dryly and Lexa chuckles behind you.

 

Raven sighs. “You can’t read one book together. It’s not working.” You hear her moving to the kitchen. “What’s that?”

 

“It’s Emperor’s Mess.” You smile and press yourself a bit further into Lexa. “And it is working, we were doing this all along.” Raven looks back at the two of you, shoving pieces of her new favorite breakfast into her mouth. She laughs while chewing and sits down beside you, raising an eyebrow at what she sees.

 

You are settled between Lexa’s legs, your head resting on her breast. You hold the book on its left side with your left hand, Lexa holds the right side with her right hand. She reads a lot faster than you do, at least if it’s not written in English or French, so your right thumb rests on the right page. You move it away when you are done and Lexa will turn the page. It takes you only few pages to get into pace, but it is working fine.

 

“You two are unbelievable…” Raven mumbles. “And this Emperors Mess is good.”

 

You are about to give Raven a sassy response about her lack of interest in good literature when Lexa’s phone starts vibrating beside you. You grab it and hand it over your shoulder to her. She kisses your hand and takes the call. You are close enough to hear the caller speaking.

 

“Yes?”

_“It’s done.”_

“Are you sure?”

_A laugh. “Yes.”_

Lexa sighs. “When will you come?”

_“Late afternoon tomorrow. Prepare dinner and wine, my love.”_

“I will. Would you do me a favor?”

_“What do you need?”_

“Where are you?”

_“Prague.”_

“Would you step by my deposit in Budapest? I need the box.”

There is silence for a few moments on the other end of the line. You hear him talking to another person, but you can’t understand a word.

“I am on my way.”

“Thanks. See you later dad.”

 

You turn around to look at her. She has her eyes closed and a smile grows on her face. She opens her eyes and you are hit with a feeling of freedom. She cups your cheeks and kisses you softly. “It’s done. We are free.”


	10. I can be weak with you (I can be who I am with you)

**I can be weak with you (I can be who I am with you)**

**20 th August 2015**

**Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America**

 

*****Clarke*****

 

The sun is about to set and you enjoy the view on the terrace. You remember how it smells in April and May when the Hyacinths are blooming. You remember the peaceful days, laying on the lounge in the sun, surrounded by Hyacinths and trees and bushes she loves so much to take care of, wrapped up in her arms, when Raven opens the glass door to the terrace. “Clarke, it’s time.” You sigh, you feel nervous. You take one last breath, imagining the scent of spring, and walk inside.

 

Lexa holds her hand out to you, you take it. She places a soft kiss on the back of your hand when someone knocks at the door. You tense and she gives you a loving smile and squeezes your hand. You relax. Raven steps beside you, nodding at Lexa once, and she lets go of your hand. She walks to the door, looking back to make sure you are okay, smiling at Raven laying her arm around your shoulders and you resting your head against hers. She opens the door without asking who’s there.

 

You see a rather small man in an obviously expensive suit entering the apartment. Lexa closes the door behind him and he takes off his hat, setting it down to the counter. He looks at you, for a few seconds, and a smile spreads over his face. He turns again, facing Lexa and opens his arms. “My beautiful!” he calls out and Lexa is in his arms. He holds her close and tight, kissing her cheek and rubbing her back and the back of her head.

 

“Hi dad.” She nudges him once and then loosens the embrace. “I have someone I want you to meet.”

 

He follows her into the living room. She steps beside you, takes your hand and lays an arm around your waist. “Dad, this is Clarke.” She looks at you. “My father...”

 

“Raymond Reddington. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Clarke.” He holds his hand out and you take it. He turns it and places a kiss on its back.

 

 _At least I finally know where she got her gentlewoman skills_. You blush and you feel Raven chuckling beside you. “The pleasure is mine.” You clear your throat and gesture towards your sister. “This is my sister Raven.”

 

You feel Lexa’s arm around your waist gently squeezing you. You close your eyes and smile before her lips touch your cheek.

 

You spend the next hours eating and talking. After dinner you open a bottle of very good wine and Red agrees to share some stories of Lexa and you laugh so hard that you cry when he tells you about the one time he had to pay her out because she accidentally sold herself for a treat in India. _What a cliché_.

 

You imagined her past darker and more dangerous, but you guess that Red is just good at picking out the funny stories and telling them so well and in every detail that there is no need to ask for the rest. You sit beside Lexa, you lean against her, your head on her shoulder and your fingers laced. Raven sits beside Red, her head resting on her hands and der elbows on her knees. She is fascinated. She is happy. You are happy.

 

It’s nearly midnight when Lexa shifts. “Let’s go outside, you need fresh air Honey.”

You feel a little light headed. You realize that Red and Raven are already gone and you fell asleep. You let her guide you outside. Her hands never leave your hip. You feel safe and you smile and you can’t imagine life to be more perfect right now. You lean onto the railing and look up to the sky. You sigh when you feel her at your back, her arms around you and her lips placing soft kisses to your shoulder. “Are you alright my love?”

 

You smile even wider. “Yes, I am. I am with you. How could I possibly be anything else than perfect?” You laugh lightly and move to turn around, but she holds you still.

 

“Can you forgive me?” Her voice is shaking and nothing more than a whisper. There is so much more behind this simple phrase. You want to turn around, but you know it’s pointless – she holds you still.

 

“There is nothing to forgive. You did what you had to do.” You cover her hands with yours. “Just don’t leave me. Never again. I need you.” You turn your head, you want to look into her eyes. She releases you out of her embrace and you turn around. She is so close that your legs, torso and foreheads are touching and you close your eyes and breathe her in. “I’m so in love with you.”

 

She takes a deep breath and her hand leaves your hip to trail up your sides and shoulder, her fingertips touching your neck and finally cupping your cheek. She looks at you and you see a universe in her eyes, deep and calm and yet moving and shifting. She is arguing with herself.

“You are my life, Clarke. I will never leave your side again.”

 

She tilts her head and leans in to kiss you. You close your eyes and part your lips slightly, welcoming her lips on yours. And it’s different.

 

She always was your leader, your protector. She was the strong one, the fighter. She is a warlord and she is cold and ruthless. She has to be. She always was kind and tender with you, understanding, loving, caring. But she is the dominant one. She leads the kisses, she makes love to you, and you follow her wherever she leads. It never has been another way.

 

But now you feel her trembling in your arms. You feel her strength fading like a massive wall of steel slowly cracking and falling apart. You feel her giving up, giving in. You feel the warrior in her laying down to rest, knowing her fight is over. You feel the lonely woman in her aching for your embrace and comfort.

 

You are ready and willing to catch her and comfort her. You lay one arm around her waist and move your other hand to her neck to bury your fingers in her hair. You pull her closer, you kiss her deeper. You turn her around so she leans with the small of her back against the railing and you adjust her. You want her to let go, to give up and in to you. She submits.

 

*****Lexa*****

 

You have seen a lot. You lived through a lot. You have no ordinary life, you know that. You are a fighter, a leader. You live in the shadows, trying to balance darkness and light. You fought death off a few times and you were very sure that you would lose most of them. You never have. You are still alive, still breathing, still fighting. Against all odds you are still here. You are a leader, a warlord, a caretaker, a killer. You are a survivor.

 

For the first time in your life you let go of all control, all plans and backup plans and all your habits. You give up. You give in. You let her guide you, you let her adjust you. You let her lead you. Your mind is blank. You lose track of time. You lose track of everything. You never do that, but you do it now. You are bare and defenseless and you submit to her with body and soul. You are willing to be the receiver for once, and not the giver.

 

You do not think anymore, you just _feel_. You feel sweet lips placing soft kisses all over your neck and shoulders. You tilt your head, so they have better access. You feel soft fingers on your skin, you feel them guiding you and you walk, backwards. You feel how she helps you lay down on the bed, her skilled fingers removing every piece of cloth on your body. You are completely at her mercy. You enjoy it.

 

She is soft with you, she is tender. She knows that you never have given in to anyone. But you do now, to her.

 

*****Clarke*****

 

You have seen her standing tall and dripping with power and authority. You have seen her covered in blood, armed and ready to kill. You have seen her possessive nature when she claimed you hard. You have seen her soft side when she made love to you so tenderly that you feel like you’re the most precious and fragile treasure in this world.

 

It’s the first time you see her defenseless. It’s the first time she allows you to touch her like this, to touch all of her. It’s the first time she gives in to you completely.

 

You straddle her thigh, sitting straight up, your hands rest on her belly. She is gloriously naked on her back under you and you can’t help yourself. She is beautiful. She is bruised, covered in scars. But nonetheless she is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. Her dark curls frame her face and fall over her breasts, her lips are slightly parted and she looks at you with eyes so deep and dark and hungry, so open and so wild you can’t help yourself than to drown. She is your gravity and you don’t fight the pull.

 

You lean forward, your hands roaming up her belly and over her breasts, which you give a soft squeeze, before moving up to her neck and into her wild curls. Your upper body lowers until you lay flat on top of her and you kiss your way up from her breasts to her collar bones, her neck and her jaw until you reach her lips. You lick over her bottom lip and swallow her moan in a deep kiss. When you meet her tongue you feel her hands on your hips, encouraging you to move against her thigh, and you do. You kiss her deeper and harder and you grind down on her thigh, trembling.

 

You lean up a bit, your left hand still at the back of her neck, your elbow supporting your weight. Your right hand finds its way down to her breast, followed by your lips. You cover her right breast with your hand, softly kneading and squeezing while you lick over her left nipple. You take it between your lips and you tease it with your tongue before you bite down, sucking softly. You hear her moans, you feel her hips bucking, searching for friction. You grind down harder, release her breast with one last kiss and sit up. Her hands slide from your hips up your sides and stop at your breasts. You take her wrist and guide her hand to your mouth. You lick over her palm and suck on her index and middle finger.

 

Her eyes grow wide, her mouth forms a perfect “o” and she moans with a hunger that hardens your resolve. You keep sucking her fingers and move one hand between her legs, you do not tease her long. You stroke through her wet folds only once, before you slide your fingers inside her.

 

Her hips buck, but you hold her down with your weight. Her free hand grips your hip so hard you will have bruises. You like that. You want her to lose control. You want her to fall apart. You pull your fingers out of her pulsing core with a turn of your wrist and thrust back in, your palm giving her clit just the right amount of pressure and friction. You see her trembling under your touch, you feel her trembling under you.

 

You suck hard on her fingers, your hand moving with perfect speed and pressure, your free hand on her breast. You look at her and the view of her coming with your name on her lips, defenseless, bare and only for you pushes you over the edge with her.

 

You leave your fingers where they are and lay down on her, you hold her pressed against you, your free arm under her neck and kiss her softly. You guide her through, you whisper words of love and adoration. You keep her safe with your body, you kiss the tears off her cheeks and you feel the same tears of joy in your eyes.

 

You fall asleep tangled, two bodies and souls intertwined, skin on skin. Your heartbeats and breathes in perfect sync. She is yours, as you are hers and you will protect her as she protects you. You are meant to be.


	11. I love you (I always have and I always will)

**I love you (I always have and I always will)**

 

**29 th August 2015**

**The Westin Harbor Castle Hotel, Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

*****Lexa*****

 

You made your plans. Red handed you your new identities, you moved to Canada. You own apartments at the top floor of a sky scraper and renovations will be finished within a few days. You will stay in the hotel until you can move in.

 

Raven already moved into her apartment next to yours. She will continue her mechatronics master at the universe next spring. She and Octavia spend a lot of time together and you are very sure that you will have Octavia around a lot more, which you are glad for.

 

Lincoln left with Red a few days ago after he handed you the box he picked up in Prague for you.

 

You are lying on your back with the box in your hand. Clarke sleeps curled up at your side, your arm secure around her. You watch her and pull her a little closer. She smiles in her sleep, mumbling a sleepy ‘I love you’. You smile.

***** Clarke *****

 

You wake up, your face buried into her neck. You love her scent. You feel her arms around you and feel her embrace tighten a bit at when you sigh. You can tell she is smiling. You kiss her neck. You love waking up like this. “Good morning Lexa.”

 

“Good morning beautiful.” She kisses your head. You look up at her and something clicks. You are always aroused by her messed up sleepy look. But this is ridiculous. You sit up, move on top of her and straddle her hip. She gives you a raised eyebrow. _Not helping_.

 

You lean forward and claim her lips in a longing, deep kiss. Her hands slide up your arms and she buries her fingers in your hair. _Not helping, not at all_.

 

When her hands leave your locks and stroke down your shoulders, sides and eventually cup your ass and she squeezes, you moan into the kiss. And something in her clicks.

 

You are on your back within a second, she hovers over you. Her eyes are always dark when she is aroused; they are black now. You smile, knowing you woke her possessive part. You give her a begging look. She snarls. You moan again. You love it when she does that.

 

She kisses your neck and as always she gives you tender nips and soft kisses to the scar she left on your shoulder. It is her mark, you love it, but you can’t get rid of the feeling that she is still sorry for losing control and hurting you.

 

You lose your train of thought when she moves herself down your body, kissing and stroking your breast on her way down between your legs. She would part your legs, but they are already spread wide. You feel a growl in her chest at what she sees. You feel a moan forming in yours.

 

You bury your hand in her hair when she leans in to kiss your core and your hips buck when she licks through your folds. You do not hold back, you want this. You want her. You want her on you, in you, all over you. She is all you want and all you need.

 

She places one hand flat on your belly to hold you in place and slides two fingers of her other hand inside you while her tongue takes care of your clit. She growls every time you whimper.

 

She pushes you fast and far. You are losing control of your movements, your hips buck like wild. You are devastatingly close when she suddenly stops. You are about to start whining when you feel her arms around your waist and you are sitting in her lap.

 

She has one hand at the small of your back, her other hand cups your jaw. She holds your face close, her lips an inch away from yours. Her voice is husky and full of desire. “Dance for me…” She tilts your head and licks over your neck. Your hips start bucking again.

 

You wrap your arms around her neck, and move, you feel her against you. You move your hips faster and with more pressure. You need friction. She moves her hand from the small of your back to your ass, squeezes again, and support your movements.

 

You work yourself up in her lap. You look into her eyes and you quicken your pace again. She moves her hand from your jaw down between your legs. When her palm rubs over your clit and she enters you again, you ride her hand so hard you swear you hear her wrist cracking.

 

Her growl keeps you from stopping and you continue. Your head falls back and you nearly scream. Her hand is on you back, she keeps you from falling backwards. She lays you down tenderly, hovers over you and peppers you with kisses while whispering words of adoration.

 

**06 th September 2015**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

*****Lexa*****

 

She stands with her back towards you in the moonlight on your terrace. She looks like an angel. You love her. You love her more than everything else. You walk towards her and she doesn’t turn around but you can tell she closes her eyes and smiles when you wrap your arms around her waist and kiss the scar on her shoulder.

 

She is your safety, your guardian. She is the one woman you can be yourself with, the one woman that really know who you are, what you are. She is the one and she will always be. She makes you laugh, she makes you happy and she makes you feel complete and whole.

 

You miss nothing when you are with her. She makes everything better. The sun shines brighter and the nights are more comfortable. She keeps the dreams away, she keeps the pain away. She is your reason for everything.

 

She is your best friend, your sister, your mirror, your lover, your queen. You want to be all for her that she is to you. You want to be her world like she is your world. You want to fall sleep with her in your arms every night for the rest of your life. You want to wake up next to her every morning for as long as you will live.

 

You need her. You want her. You love all about her.

 

She is funny and smart, curious and helpful; she has such a good and tender heart. She is strong and open-minded, sometimes stubborn and impulsive and sometimes a giant dork.

 

You love all of her.

 

You love her eyes, her curls, her lips. You love her perfect jawline, her soft neck and you love the soft spot under her ear. You love her slender fingers, her wrists. You love her back, her legs. And you break apart every time you see her glorious body naked. You love every inch of her.

 

After what feels like eternity you loosen your embrace and turn her around. You look into those blue eyes and you are close to tears. She is so stunningly beautiful.

 

“Clarke…” You take her hand in yours and kneel down before her.

 

“I choose you to be mine, secure in the knowledge of my heart that you are and always will be my best friend and my one true love.”

 

You place a kiss on the back of her hand, turn it around and place the box in it.

 

“I give you my pledge to stay by your side and never abandon you, in sickness and health, in joy and sorrow as well as through darkness and light.”

 

You open the box to show her the ring inside. She covers her mouth with her hand and you see tears in her eyes.

 

“I promise to love you without reservation, honor and respect you over all others, protect and comfort you and grow with you in mind and spirit.”

 

Her tears find her way down her cheeks and her hands are shaking.

 

“I will always be open and honest with you and I will cherish and adore you for as long as we both shall exist. Clarke, will you please marry me?”

 

You take the ring out of its box and slide it onto her ring finger. You place a kiss on it and rise with your arms open. Clarke leans into you, pressing herself against you. “Yes, a million times yes, Lexa.”

 

You hold her as close as possible. You smile.

 

**6 th May 2016**

**Marie Curtis Park, Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

You hold onto Lincoln’s arm when you walk towards the arbor. You see Raven and Octavia hand in hand as you walk down the aisle. They are both crying. You see Red in his best suit standing tall and proud behind the altar.

 

You see Lexa waiting for you. She smiles, her eyes shine like the sun.

 

***** Lexa *****

 

She walks towards you and your heart stops. She is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Lincoln takes Clarke’s hand and you hold yours out. He puts her hand into yours and takes his place beside your father.

 

You smile at her. She smiles back.

 

***** Clarke & Lexa *****

 

You both do not hear what Red is saying. You are lost in each other’s eyes. You both smile as you whisper your “Yes, I will.”

 

You slide your wedding rings on each other’s fingers.

 

When Red says “In conformity with your mutual declaration and pledges, and by the authority vested in me I now pronounce you spouses for as long as you shall live.” you fall into each other’s arms and kiss. You hear your family and friends cheer around you.

 

You are home.

 

**Part II – End**


	12. Welcome to the family (we will love you always)

**Part III**

**Welcome to the family (we will love you always)**

**04 th June 2017**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

***** Lexa *****

 

Your phone wakes you and you curse under your breath to shut the alarm off when you realize that Raven is calling you. You silence the call and unravel yourself from Clarke as tenderly as you can so you do not wake her and hurry out the bedroom.

 

You stumble towards your couch when you pick up. “Who died?”

 

“What?”

 

You fall face forward onto the couch. “It’s not even 7 a.m. and you call me. So better be that someone very important died or I will kill you.”

 

You can’t hold back the smile when you hear Raven giggle. “Lexa, Clarke would be very pissed at you if you would kill me and we both know that you are a little puppy when it comes to your wife. So be nice!”

 

You grumble. “You will pay for that, little one. So, what’s wrong that you feel tempted to call me in the middle of the night?”

 

Raven laughs. “You forgot what day it is, yeah?”

 

You think. Hard. “Shit.”

 

Raven laughs harder. “You’re welcome!” She hangs up and you throw your phone over your shoulder, jump up and storm off in to the bathroom. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

***** Clarke *****

 

You wake up when you hear Lexa cursing like a sailor and running into the bathroom. _She forgot it._ You smile, sit up and stretch. It is still more than enough time, but you know how nervous Lexa gets when no one is looking except you. You get out of bed and stroll into the bathroom.

 

You open the door to the shower and step in. You know that she knows you are here. She does not move. You place your fingers at her side.

 

You grin as you see the shiver course through her body. You are still amazed at the effect you have on her. You love it and it makes you want her more if such a thing is possible.

 

You glide your fingertips over her side and to her waist, pressing your chest against her back. She hums low in her throat and raises her hands to grab onto yours and squeezes.

 

She turns then, your eyes meeting hers. You feel your desire pooling between your legs at the look in her eyes, and the sight of the steaming water running down her body. You look at each other for only a few moments before you both pull each other forward, claiming lips.

 

You can’t stop the moan that leaves your throat at the taste of her lips. No one has ever kissed you the way Lexa does. It is equal parts loving devotion and a feral eroticism. Your knees tremble.

 

Lexa pulls back only enough to smirk at you, she is proud of herself. She presses forward pinning you to the wall of the shower and attaching her lips to your neck. You keep one hand at the back of her neck, holding her in place as the other slides down and squeezes her ass. You know how much she likes this.

 

Her reaction doesn’t disappoint you as her lips detach from your neck and hover next to your ear as she snarls. You are thankful for her body pressing against yours or you would surely fall, your knees unable to support you.

 

She claims your lips hungrily, and cups you between your legs and growls at what she finds. “All this mess for me?”

 

You don’t trust your voice, all you can do is vigorously nod your head and cant your hips forward. You need more friction. You need her. “Lexa,” you pant out, but she quiets you with her lips and presses into you harder.

 

“This belongs to me,” she husks, her fingers firmly stroking inside your folds and brushing against your clip. “All of you, is mine.”

 

“Yours.” What other response could you have? You belong to her just as she belongs to you.

 

The kisses become deeper and she takes pity on you, giving you her fingers in deep and slow thrusts. All you can do is hold on to her and rock your hips in time. She always touches you the right way to bring you pleasure and it’s only moments before you are trembling in her arms.

 

She isn’t done with you and her thrusts come faster and harder as her mouth marks your neck. You have enough thought in you to know you need to feel her as well and you mimic her hand and slide your fingers through her folds. The sound of your name leaving her lips makes you come hard, clenching around her fingers.

 

You breathe deeply, the kisses still hungry but softer and your fingers slide easily in and out of her. You lower your head and devour her nipples as she pants your name, her hips helping you to help her achieve her release.

 

You love that she lets you have her like this. You briefly wonder if anyone else ever has.

 

**04 th June 2017**

**Orphanage, Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

***** Lexa *****

 

You sit legs crossed between Clarke and Octavia. Clarke is smiling, Octavia is as calm and patient as always, Raven is bouncing up and down the room like a rubber ball and you are mostly annoyed that this takes so long.

 

The matron finally clears her throat and looks at you though she is addressing Octavia and Raven. “The documents are ready. Please sign here.” She is obviously uncomfortable in your presence. _Good_.

 

Raven stumbles as she hurries to the desk to sign the papers. You roll your eyes, Clarke gives you a judging look and you look to the floor. Octavia suppresses a grin when Raven hands her the pen with shaking hands.

 

The matron looks over the papers again and rises from her chair. You wonder how this little piece of furniture is able to withstand that massive woman. “Okay, it’s done. Let’s go get him.”

 

You follow the matron to a big room. There are at least a dozen children of all ages playing. As soon as you enter, you hear the little boy screaming in joy. He comes running faster than you would have given him credit for and leaps into Ravens arms.

 

“Hey champ!” She catches him and twirls him around before holding him securely in her arms, tears in her eyes. “Ready to go home?”

 

The little boy nods frantically and turns around in Ravens arms, sobbing, when Octavia kisses his head and lays her arms around her wife and her son.

 

Octavia smiles. “You want to say hi to your aunties, Anthony?” He nods again and Raven sets him on the ground. He strokes his curly, black hair out of his eyes and walks over to you. He is adorable and you feel Clarke’s excitement.

 

He stands straight and proud when he introduces himself. “Hello aunt Lexa, my name is Anthony Jaiden Blake. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

He offers you his little hand and you lean down to take it. You are impressed, his grip is firm. “Hello Anthony Jaiden Blake, it’s nice to meet you.” You go down to your knees. “Do you wish me to address you with your full name?”

 

His eyes grow wide. “Anthony is okay, aunt Lexa.”

 

You smile and tilt your head a bit. You are okay with people being slightly afraid of you, but you want to comfort your nephew. “Welcome to the family, Anthony.”

 

He nods his thanks smiling and turns towards Clarke. He has tears in his eyes again when he hesitates to stretch out his arms and Clarke gets down to her knees and pulls him into an embrace. “I am so happy to be your aunt, Anthony. I will always be here for you my sweet boy, okay?”

 

He starts sobbing again and you smile. Clarke releases him and he turns to his moms smiling. Raven and Octavia both take on of his hands and start walking outside. You stay behind, lost in thoughts.

 

Clarke leans into you, her head resting on your shoulder and her arms around your waist. You pull her closer and kiss her forehead. You don’t say it. She knows you know her longing for a family of her own. Children to take care of and raise open minded and free to choose to be whatever they want to be. Being a mom.

 

You feel the same.

 

**21 th July 2017**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke*****

 

As often as you can, you spend your days with Anthony. You visit museums and parks and show him as much of this beautiful city as you possibly can.

 

You have lunch in a restaurant with Anthony. You see your sister and Octavia being as happy as they can be to have him and you are happy for the three of them. You laugh a lot.

 

On your ride home Lexa holds your hand and strokes its back with her thumb. She knows you fought your sadness and tears for hours and days.

 

You arrive at home and have dinner together as every day. You know it’s unnecessary, but you feel nervous. You feel like it’s not the right time. You feel like you are asking too much after all that she has done for you.

 

“Clarke.” Her voice is soft. She pulls you out of your storm of thoughts and looks at you, her hand is outstretched over the table, palm upwards. You smile, lay your hand in hers and close your eyes. “Talk to me, my wife.”

 

You take a deep breath. Her touch calms you. “Lexa, we had plans for children of our own. I know we… were separated for a while and busy with ourselves after we were reunited. I don’t know if you still want children with me, but-“

 

“Yes.” She interrupts you and squeezes your hand. You open your eyes and look at your wife. “I want to raise our children with you. I am ready whenever you are.”

 

“Anthony turned three. If we want to do it the way we planned it back then, it will take us a lot of time. We still have no solution and I would love to see our children play with him; he is such a sweet boy.”

 

Lexa leans back and smiles at you. “Doubting my prowess again, my beautiful wife? I already figured it out. It is possible.”

 

You feel the shock displayed in your expression. “Wait a minute….”

 

Lexa laughs. “I meant it when I said I am ready whenever you are. Give me three months and I will have you pregnant.” She winks at you and you start laughing. She still surprises you.

 

This night you lay secure in the arms of you wife when you make the decision that you have waited long enough. “Lexa?”

 

“Mhhh?” she mumbles and you feel her chest vibrating in soft anticipation.

 

“Let’s make babies my love.” You snuggle closer and pull her into a tight embrace.

 

You feel the smile on her lips against your forehead and the relaxing sigh leaving her lungs. “As you wish, mother of my children.”

 

Your sleep is deep and recovering. You feel warm and protected.

 

 


	13. A long way to go (to be together)

**A long way to go (to be together)**

**14 th December 2017**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

You wake up and look at the clock. _4 a.m._ You sigh and assist Clarke to get up and guide her to the bathroom. By now you are used to her sickness and strange desires in the middle of the night.

 

She has more side effects than you do. Beside the fact that your clothes start to get very tight you feel completely normal.

 

You hold her hair while she gets rid of the pancakes you made her two hours ago. You do not feel annoyed. You are sorry your wife is not well. Maybe you are, sadly, just already used to all of this.

 

You have a full equipped laboratory and you regularly do checks with ultrasounds and take blood samples. You remember when you first saw the heartbeat of the little human in Clarke’s womb and a few days later in your own.

 

When Clarke feels better, you walk her back to bed and lay down with her. You snuggle close and wrap your arms around her, your face buries in the hollow of her shoulder, covered by her blonde locks. “Can I get you something, Clarke?”

 

She presses herself against you and guides your hands to her growing belly. “I have everything I need. A beautiful, loving, caring, strong wife and soon two babies to love and take care of.”

 

You smile. You are a proud mom. “We haven’t talked about the names, which actually surprises me.”

 

Clarke laughs softly. “I was thinking about that a lot. I mean, we know it will be two girls.”

 

You roll your eyes smiling. “Yes, our babies will be assigned female by birth, but I would prefer to let our children decide to evolve to whatever they are comfortable with. Let us give them names for every possibility.”

 

Clarke turns around, so she can look at you. You lean your forehead against hers. “So, we give them a female, male and a neutral name?” You nod. She smiles wider. “I would love that.”

 

You are on the same page. Your children will be able to become whatever they want to be and you want to even out their way as much as possible. The only thing you will be very strict on is tolerance, helpfulness and kindness.

 

**30 th December 2017**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

“Auntie Clarke, when will I have my cousins?” Anthony places his tiny, tanned hands on your belly and places pecks on it. He glimpses over to Lexa’s growing belly, still a little reserved to show affection like this to her, though he is looking forward to both of his cousins.

 

“In July, Anthony. Maybe you will have them for your birthday.” He looks up to you and smiles. “You need to be patient for a little while longer.”

 

Anthony is more excited about the two babies than you and Lexa combined. Ravens laughs and Octavia shakes her head. You enjoy dinners together. As messed up as your family may be, you can’t wish for a more perfect one.

  
“What will their names be?” Anthony asks.

 

You look over to Lexa and her eyes get dreamy when she answers. “Amanda Liam Jaiden and Cosima Pax Jaiden.”

 

Anthony looks at your wife as if he is seeing a ghost. “You give them my name, too?” Lexa nods and the little boy storms off and leaps at her. Usually he has a slightly fearful respect of her, as all people do. But right now he is just happy to share his second name with his already loved cousins.

 

Lexa opens her arms and catches him, holds him close and lifts him up. The second she recovers her composure, he kisses her on her cheek and hugs her so hard she scoffs for a second. Anthony’s sudden outburst of affection caught her off guard.

 

Raven nearly falls off her chair laughing and even Octavia, usually always cool and sassy struggles not to burst into laughter. You just look at your wife smiling. _She will be a wonderful mommy_.

 

**27 th April 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

There is something very calming about your routine of watching your babies on the display at the ultrasound checkup. They grow so fast.

  
Clarke’s morning sickness and most of her really strange cravings are mostly gone and she enjoys her pregnancy. You take a blood sample and run the analysis.

 

“I need to adapt your diet again. You lack a few vitamins.” You do this from time to time to make sure she and your baby are provided with all necessary vitamins and minerals.

 

“Yes, ma’am.” She answers smiling. “Whatever my doctor recommends is best for our baby.”

 

You are patting your own shoulder again for having an M.D. It’s unbelievably convenient and it makes Clarke laugh every time.

 

You do your own blood sample after watching the little human in your womb for a good twenty minutes in awe. You print the analysis while you are giggling with Clarke about a really cute video of Anthony doing a moon dance. You take a quick look at it, you expect nothing out of the normal.

 

You stop giggling. Your brain starts working. _No_.

 

“Lexa?! Lexa, what’s wrong?”

 

Clarke is on her knees in front of you within a second. You look at her but you don’t see her, her lips are moving, but you can’t hear a word. _No_.

 

“Lexa talk to me, what is it?”

 

You feel like you are drowning. You feel numb. _No_.

 

“Lexa you are scare me…”

 

Clarke takes the paper out of your hands and looks at it. She studies biology, she understands most of it. Her eyes grew wide in shock. _No_.

 

You see her sitting down on the floor and staring at nothing.

 

_immune tolerance levels_

_antibodies – 34% over normal_

_antinuclear antibodies – 17% over normal_

 

 

**27 th April 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

Raven and Octavia are with you as soon as Clarke calls them. Octavia is already at your side, holding your arm. Her presence calms you. _Fight_. You look over to your wife. Raven is holding her arms.

 

“Clarke, I can dissemble, clean and reassemble a fucking V12 engine blindfolded in two hours but I do not speak frilly doctor!”

 

A bitter laugh escapes your lips. “My body fights the baby like it would fight a sickness. You can see it as an allergic reaction.”

 

“What does that mean…” Raven drops her arms. She understands it. She needs to hear it.

 

You close your eyes and take a deep breath. “The baby will die if I do not deliver. It is too small…“

 

Raven covers her mouth in shock. “There has to be another way.”

 

Clarke shoots Raven a deadly look. “NO!” She jumps up and struggles to run to you. She is on her knees before you again, her eyes wild and afraid. “No, Lexa.”

 

You cup your wife’s cheeks softly. “I will shut my immune tolerance down. It’s the only way to save the child.”

 

Clarke’s whole body is trembling in fear and anger. “That will kill you!”

 

Octavia lets go of your hand and walks over to Raven. “Let’s go my love. I will explain.” Your sister looks at you and gives you a slight nod. “Call me, sister. We are here.” You do not have to say thank you. She knows.

**2 nd May 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

You fought about this for a week. You both know the consequences.

 

Clarke can’t lose you.

 

You can’t lose her child.

 

Shutting your immune tolerance down will cause your organs to fail within weeks, but it will save the baby.

 

Clarke lays beside you in your arms. She is still crying and clinging to you.

 

You are tired. You hear the rhythmic beep of your pulse and heartbeat. You already injected yourself to shut your immune tolerance down.

 

You will save this baby, no matter what.

 


	14. Please don’t leave me (I can’t do this alone)

**Please don’t leave me (I can’t do this alone)**

** 5th  ** **June 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

You are afraid. You see your wife fighting death every day. You see her losing weight. You see her body decreasing more and more.

 

Lexa is barely conscious, her breath becomes more ragged and husky with every day passing. She whimpers whenever you touch her hand or place a kiss on her lips; they are rough and cracked.

 

You are angry. You wanted her and only her for the rest of her life. She decided to risk her life and possibly leaving you, without an option to follow her.

 

You talked about it, fought about it, but you know she had made her decision already. You never had a chance to convince her and now you can to nothing than try to keep her alive.

 

Octavia and your sister are around every day. They do not hide what is happening from Anthony.

 

Red and Lincoln moved in last month. Lincoln takes care of Lexa’s medical care and the paperwork.

You accepted that Lexa can’t and won’t be treated in a hospital. Red pays the best doctors and nurses to be around in shifts, covering possible emergencies at all time.

 

Red barely leaves Lexa’s side. You know him as a powerful and self-conscious man without conscience.

 

Now you see him sitting beside his daughter’s bed, holding her hand, stroking her knuckles and whispering words of regret and love.

 

He is as broken as you are. You grow closer every day. Your love for Lexa connects you. A few days ago you had an emotional breakdown. He held you close and stroked your back and kissed your forehead, telling you that he loved you and that you always will be his daughter no matter what happens.

 

He held you even tighter when you called him dad.

 

**29 th June 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

A piercing sound wakes you up. You look around and see the flat line on the monitor. _Cardiac arrest_. You feel numb.

 

Strong hands are lifting you softly out of the bed. Lincoln, a nurse and a doctor are shouting words you can’t process while ripping the clothes off Lexa’s upper body. _She is not moving_.

 

You see her round belly, the only part of her body that isn’t lank and sore. You feel your tears streaming down your face when realization kicks in.

 

Red is pressing you close to his chest. You look up and you see panic in his eyes. You see tears in his eyes. _No_.

 

They try to reanimate Lexa. _Two minutes_.

 

The line stays flat. _Four minutes_.

 

“We need to save the child.” Lincoln’s voice sounds pathetic.

 

 _We need to save the child_. You understand the words. Lexa is dead. It’s been five minutes. The baby will die if they do not get it out. _No_.

 

Red struggles. He covers his face in his hands and falls down on his knees. You barely manage to keep him from falling over. _No_.

 

You feel fear. You feel loss. You feel rage.

 

You turn around and run over to the bed. You push the doctor away. The nurse tries to shove you away from Lexa but Lincoln is faster and keeps her away from you. He knows better than to stop you now.

 

You crawl on the bed and place your arms beside Lexa’s head. You are hovering over her, your tears are falling down on her cheeks. “Lexa, please… I can’t do this without you. I love you, I need you. Please, don’t leave me…”

 

You lean down and kiss her.

 

Her heart takes its first beat after six minutes the second you touch her lips.

 

** 1st  ** **July 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

You are stoking your belly unconsciously. You love your baby. It is Lexa’s baby. It is her. You love this tiny human more than you can say.

 

You are at a point where you can understand her decision. Lexa is carrying your baby. She is carrying a part of you.

 

Would you risk your life to save your baby? Without hesitation. You are their weapon and their armor; you would destroy everyone and everything that would try to harm them. Even if it would mean your death.

 

You are sitting beside your wife. You are holding her hand in yours, drawing lazy circles on her round belly. You whisper loving words to your babies and your wife.

 

She isn’t reacting to your touch anymore. Her chest moves up and down harshly, but that isn’t your wife; it’s the medical ventilator pumping air into her lungs.

 

“Stay with me, Lexa.” You kiss her softly.

 

Her vitals are stable. She is fighting.

 

** 4th  ** **July 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

Lexa grows stronger and stronger each day. Octavia and Lincoln come to the conclusion that your baby is healing her.

 

You are an experiment and your blood was a weapon, slowly killing you. Lexa cured you and by doing so, your blood works the exact other way now. It is not a weapon anymore, it is a cure.

 

Lexa and you decided long ago that if you are ever going to get pregnant, you will carry each other’s ova.

 

That decision back then seems to save her life now.

 

Red releases the nurses and doctors of their shifts. Lincoln and Octavia take over.

 

**13 th July 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

The labor pains start after dinner. Red is at your side, holding your hand. You can see Lexa a few feet beside you. She is still unconscious.

 

With every wave of pain you become more aware of Lexa’s slight movements. _She is reacting to something_. “Red, Lexa…”

 

“I know Clarke, I see it.” He answers smiling, still holding your hand.

 

You shut your eyes and squeeze his hand when the next wave of pain washes through you. When you open your eyes again, Raven is by your side.

 

“Hey sis, ready to rumble?” She smiles.

 

You laugh. “Yes, I think so…” Your eyes leave hers and you look again over to your wife. You see her back arching slightly. “Dad, I think she has labor pains.”

 

Red looks over to his daughter. “Octavia?”

 

Octavia is at Lexa’s side, holding her hand and taking a close look at the monitors. “She’s right, dad. Lincoln! Take over, I need to change.”

 

Lincoln switches position with Octavia and she hurries out the room.

 

Red looks back to you and answers your question before you are able to put it into words. “Octavia is an M.D. She will be your midwife, I do not trust anyone else enough to take care of my daughters and grandchildren.”

 

You smile at him and squeeze his hand gently. “Thanks, Dad.” You look back at Raven. “Where is Anthony?”

 

She tilts her head and smiles. “Sleeping on the couch. He refused to stay in the apartment when he eavesdropped the good news of his cousin arriving.”

 

You smile wider and laugh gently while shaking your head. “He is such a sweet boy. I can’t-“

 

Lexa’s moan interrupts you. Lincoln and Red are by her side in an instant. Her back is arching again as she moves in pain.

 

“I’m here, out of my way.” Octavia returns and injects Lexa. “It won’t be long. I gave her something against the pain but I will not anesthetize her.”

 

Lexa stills after a few minutes. Octavia removes her clothes and prepares.

 

“I want to be by her side. Dad? Please…” Red nods and helps you up. You cling close to him when he walks you to Lexa’s bed.

 

Lexa is still unconscious but her labor pains are coming faster than yours. You are still able to sit and stroke your wife’s cheeks and hold her hand.

 

“I’m here, baby. We will be okay.” You whisper loving words into her ear for what feels like eternity. You feel another wave of pain running through her and grip her hand tighter, hold her closer and kiss her.

 

She kisses you back.

 

You feel the tears running down your cheeks. You do not stop kissing your wife. You feel her arms around your neck, pulling you closer.

 

You hear the voices of your family in the background. You do not understand a single word, but they sound happy.

 

“Okay out of my way and shut up, I have to get my niece out of my sister.” Octavia’s voice is firm but filled with relief and warmth.

 

You finally break the kiss to look into Lexa’s eyes. She is looking back at you. “I am sorry, Clarke.”

 

“It’s okay. You will be okay.” You stroke her cheek and cup her jaw. “We will be okay.” You hold her closely and securely.

 

Octavia hands you the little bundle, smiling. “She is healthy and well.”

 

You help Lexa to take your baby into your arms. Her eyes are open and aware, blue like the sky and the sea. Though just born, her face is framed by dark blonde locks.

 

“She is as beautiful as her momma.” Lexa kisses you and your firstborn. “Amanda Liam Jaiden.”

 

**14 th July 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

Your vision is blurry. You do not feel any pain. You feel a little numb and you struggle to keep your eyes open. You see Lexa sitting beside you, leaning into her father with Amanda in her arms. She is still weak, but awake.

 

She is looking at you, stroking your cheek softly. You feel a pull between your legs and look down to see what is causing it.

 

Octavia is sitting between your spread legs and you furrow. _What is she doing there?_

“Lincoln, towel. Now.” Her voice is calm as always. Lincoln hands her the towel and she wraps a little baby into it. _Oh, right_. You smile.

 

Red kisses your forehead and squeezes your hand before pressing a kiss to Lexa’s cheek. Octavia walks up to you and places the baby in your arms. “She is healthy and ridiculously beautiful.”

 

You open your arms, your vision is getting clearer and clearer. You feel pure joy when you feel her weight in your arms. You hold her securely against your chest and pull the towel aside to look at her face.

 

She looks back to you. She isn’t screaming. She looks at you with Lexa’s eyes, filled with curiosity. She is indeed beautiful.

 

You giggle when you turn your head to smile at your wife and your daughter. “Cosima is here, Amanda. And she is as beautiful as her mommy.”


	15. Love is thick (like blood, like honey)

**Love is thick (like blood, like honey)**

**21 st October 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

You wake up at the smell of coffee and toast. When you open your eyes you see Clarke sitting beside you on your bed.

 

It’s the first morning without monitors and cables. You have felt good for weeks now, but Clarke demanded to keep you monitored. She worries too much.

 

Your turn to look at the crib beside your bed. Amanda and Cosima are still sleeping. You look back at your wife.

 

“Good morning, beautiful.” You whisper while sitting up to kiss her. She places a hand on your shoulder and presses you back into the mattress.

 

“Stay down, you need to recover.” She bends down and kisses you. “I made you breakfast.”

 

You furrow. You tolerated her worries out of guilt, but enough is enough. This madness has to stop.

 

You take her hand, place a kiss on its back and sit up. She tries to hold you down without success. “Clarke. I am fine. You need to stop worrying at some point.”

 

“Lexa you nearly _died_. I could have lost you!” You hear anger and fear in her voice as well as a lot of tears that need to be released.

 

You pull her into your arms and hold her tight and securely pressed against you. You don’t talk. You enjoy each other in silence until Amanda wakes up and whimpers.

 

Clarke leans back and kisses you. “I’ll go and feed her. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

Clarke leaves with Amanda in her arms and you pick up Cosima. You hold her close and stroke her cheek. You adjust Cosima to have a hand free and grab your phone. You call your sister. She picks up after the first ring.

 

_“Lexa.”_

“Octavia. Would you please take care of Amanda and Cosima for a day?”

_“Yes. Clarke?”_

You love that you don’t have to explain to Octavia. She just knows. “Yes.”

_“She needs to get over it. Is a day enough?”_

“Probably not but I don’t want to be without them for too long.”

_“I understand. You take Anthony once a week for me and Raven so we have time for each other. Let us take the girls once a week for you too.”_

“I like that idea.”

_“Of course you do.”_

You hear Raven shouting in the background.

_“Are they finally banging again? Thank god. Tell Lexa to do her good and take her time for the sake of the gods… I need my sister back. Oh, wait. We get the girls?! Anthony, your cousins will stay over!”_

You hear Anthony screaming and jumping around. You hear a glass breaking, Raven cursing like a sailor and Anthony laughing harder. You roll your eyes.

_“You know I can hear you rolling your eyes at my wife. Be nice or I will kick your sorry ass.”_

You laugh. “Sure. We’ll bring them over in a few.”

_“Please hurry. They are going hyper.”_

You hear something else falling to the ground between the sound of Raven and Anthony screaming and obviously jumping around like bunnies on crack.

_“… save me, Lexa.”_

“On my way.”

 

**21 st October 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

Clarke shoots you a questioning look but takes your hand with Amanda still in her arms. She follows you out of your apartment and over to Raven and Octavia next door. They are already expecting you.

 

Anthony is smiling and laughing and jumping around you in circles. Octavia takes Cosima and kisses her forehead. Clarke hands Amanda to Anthony as soon as he is sitting still on the couch, leaning against Raven.

 

He loves them both dearly, but he has a special connection to Amanda. He is feeding her, changing her diapers and napping with her in his arms whenever he can. He calls her more his little sister than his cousin. You are completely okay with that.

 

You say your thanks and kiss your girls and Anthony goodbye. Raven winks at you and you roll your eyes. Octavia smiles at you, Cosima still pressed to her chest.

 

You love Amanda and Cosima more than you can possibly say. You would kill and die for them without thinking about it.

 

But there is nothing you crave more than a day and a night alone with your wife. You feel Clarke’s excitement the second you leave their apartment.

 

The door to your apartment isn’t even closed when you start ripping Clarke’s clothes off her body. The fabric drops to the floor in pieces while you kiss her hard and move her backwards to the nearest suitable counter.

 

You flip her around and bend her over the cold marble, which elicits a moan out of Clarke. You press your hand between her shoulder blades to keep her down while you get rid of the pathetic leftovers of fabric on her skin.

 

You are standing behind her, one hand at her hip and one still resting between her shoulders when you press her ass against your hip. Clarke’s moans grow louder and you snarl. You have waited long enough.

 

Clarke breathes in sharply when you shove her hip up further. You spread her legs and thrust your fingers inside her. You are not careful or tender.

 

With every thrust of your hand Clarke’s moans grow louder and deeper. You lean forward, move your hand from her shoulder blades to her jaw and tilt her head so you can kiss her. Again, you are neither careful nor tender.

 

You bite her bottom lip until you taste blood, your hand still thrusting hard and fast. When Clarke is on the edge of bliss you quicken your pace again and thrust harder and deeper. You feel her clenching around your fingers and you smile.

 

You give her a few seconds. You stroke her hair out of her face and lick tenderly over her lips to catch a drop of blood. When she opens her eyes, you grab her hip and flip her around again.

 

Clarke is sitting on the counter before you, gloriously naked. You are standing between her legs, keeping them spread and move closer. You cup her jaw, tilt her head and kiss her deeply and with hunger.

 

She wraps her hands around your neck and you move your kisses down her neck. You leave a trail of marks.

 

You feel her hips looking for friction and you move your hand between her legs. Your free arm is around her waist. You adjust her and start drawing circles around her clit.

 

It takes you seconds to have her where you want her. Her back is arching, her hips bucking and she throws her head back. You move your fingers faster and harder until Clarke tightens in your arms.

 

You do not stop. You give her a minute to catch her breath and yourself a minute to admire her – and start over again.

 

The sun is setting when you fall asleep with your wife in your arms.

 

**21 st October 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Clarke *****

 

You hear her heart beating. You hear her breath. You smell her, you still taste her. It’s dark outside. You smile.

 

“Are you okay, love?” Lexa holds you a little tighter and places a kiss on your forehead.

 

You smile wider. “Yes I am.” You stretch and turn your head to kiss her. “It’s been a while since we did this all day.”

 

Lexa shoots you a billion-watt smile and wiggles her eyebrows. You can’t help but to laugh.

 

“Clarke, listen-“

 

You lay a finger on her lips. “Don’t. I know. You are alive and well and I got that. I guess I just needed you for myself again to understand that.”

 

Lexa smiles and kisses your fingers. “Let’s order dinner and enjoy our night.”

 

You kiss her again. “Yes please. And tomorrow morning we go and pick our girls up.”

 

Lexa sighs. It’s a devoted, loving and contented sigh. “I love you, Momma.”

 

“I love you Mommy.”

 

**22 nd October 2018**

**Toronto, Ontario, Canada**

 

***** Lexa *****

 

You pick your girls up early. You enjoyed your time alone with your wife, but you both admit that you missed your babies terribly.

 

You feel happy and settled, as Clarke does. You have breakfast with your girls and sisters and Anthony. You are holding Amanda while Anthony is feeding her. You smile at him with a dreamy look. _He loves her dearly_.

 

Clarke is feeding Cosima and Raven is giving her a speech about good sex in a healthy relationship. You laugh when you see Clarke blushing.

 

Octavia sits beside Clarke, holding Cosima’s tiny hand and placing kisses on its back.

 

“Auntie Lexa?” Anthony is still feeding Amanda.

 

You tilt your head and look down at the little boy. “Yes, Anthony?”

 

He is nervous. “Auntie, I love Amanda very much. I feel like she is my sister. Can I call her sister?”

 

You smile. “Of course, Anthony.” You stroke his hair out of his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what society, the government or other people think or say. You and Amanda are whatever you want to be. If she is a sister to you, she is your sister. If she is your best friend, she is your best friend. The only thing that matters is how the two of you are feeling.”

 

You see him furrow. He thinks hard. After a few minutes he looks up at you. “Thank you auntie Lexa. I will always be here for Amanda and Cosima.”

 

You look over to your wife and your sisters.

 

Clarke.

A genetically manipulated orphan without a blood related family, created to be a weapon. She is a sister to Raven.

She is a sister to Octavia.

She is an aunt to Anthony.

She is your children’s momma.

She is your wife.

 

Raven.

Another experiment without a blood related family. A brilliant mechanic and engineer.

She is Octavia’s wife.

She is Clarke’s sister.

She is Anthony’s mom.

She is your children’s aunt and mom.

She is your sister.

 

Octavia.

An orphan picked up and raised by a criminal mastermind, probably one of the best assassins that ever lived.

She is Raven’s wife.

She is Clarke’s sister.

She is Anthony’s mom.

She is your children’s aunt and mom.

She is your sister.

 

A child of two women. An innocent baby.

She is Clarke’s daughter.

She is Raven’s and Octavia’s daughter.

She is Anthony’s sister.

She is your daughter.

 

An orphan boy without blood related family.

He is Octavia’s son.

He is Raven’s son.

He is Clarke’s son.

He is a brother to Amanda and Cosima.

He is your son.

 

A child of two women. An innocent baby.

She is Clarke’s daughter.

She is Raven’s and Octavia’s daughter.

She is Anthony’s sister.

She is your daughter.

 

You. Lexa.

And orphan picked up and raised by Red, who is your father. You are a genius, an M.D, a lawyer. You are an assassin and a warlord.

You are Clarke’s wife.

You are Octavia’s sister.

You are Raven’s sister.

You are Amanda’s and Cosima’s mommy.

You are Anthony’s mom.

 

It doesn’t matter what you are in the eyes of society. It doesn’t matter what you are in the eyes of the government. In the end you are a human with a heart and soul. You are whatever you want to be.

 

You are happy. You are surrounded by your family. You are home.


	16. Be whatever you want to be (you are loved and never alone)

**Be whatever you want to be (you are loved and never alone)**

***** Amanda & Anthony *****

Amanda started with martial arts when she was twelve years old. Lexa and Octavia trained her well and she is unbelievably talented.

 

She achieved her black belt at the age of seventeen and was honored by her dojo for her skills as well as for her bravery to come out and support others who struggle with their sexuality.

 

She started traveling the world to attend to martial arts competitions when she turned 21. She never lost a fight.

 

Anthony, already 25, is always by her side. He enjoys seeing the world and he loves his sister dearly.

He studies music and art while traveling with Amanda. He never lost his bright smile and loving heart.

 

They are coming home as often as they can.

 

***** Cosima & Red *****

Cosima had her coming out when she was eleven. She got her first girlfriend a year later. Lexa, Clarke, Raven and Octavia as well as Red couldn’t have been more proud of the honest, brave girl they raised.

 

She is a quiet girl and never without a book. She finished high school at only fifteen and started to study medicine, law and philosophy at sixteen like her mommy Lexa.

 

She has a special connection to Octavia and her grandfather Red, who moved to Toronto and settled down to be with his daughters and grandchildren.

 

He started giving Cosima piano and violin lessons when she was six years old. She loves to play with him.

 

***** Raven & Octavia *****

 

Raven and Octavia didn’t change much. Raven is still a dork, Octavia still a grumpy brooder and they still love each other madly.

 

***** Lexa & Clarke *****

 

Lexa marries Clarke once a year, every time in a different city and country. They never stopped cherishing, praising and loving each other; they never will.


	17. Author's Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contact us:
> 
> lilianafox.tumblr.com  
> nickolefox.tumblr.com

Dear readers,

 

we want to give you a few words in regards to the episode of the100 ‚thirteen‘ which aired last Thursday.

 

If you haven’t watched that episode and if you are emotionally attached – please don’t watch it. There are already reports of people committing suicide because of it.

 

First of all:

 

We love you, every one of you. We feel with you and we will work to make up, even a little, for what happened. You are not alone. If you feel alone, please don’t hesitate to contact us to talk. You don’t need to give us personal information unless you wish to. If you just need someone to talk to – we are here.

 

Second of all:

 

We do not hold any grudge against the cast of the100. We appreciate the work of Eliza Taylor and Alycia Debnam-Carey as well as Marie Avgeropoulos, Lindsey Morgan, Adina Porter and every other member of the cast to give us a great performance and many hours of joy and peace.

 

We understand that Alycia Debnam-Carey had to make a choice and was more or less given no option than to ‘leave’ the show. We thank her for her wonderful work and wish her only the best.

 

We do NOT appreciate how Jason wrote off her character ‘Lexa’ from the show.

 

It is public that he said ‘he didn’t know how much this would affect the fandom’. We call bullshit on that. He of all people knew.

 

In fact, it is impossible to make everyone happy. He had the choice to make Bellarker’s (hello there) happy, or to make the Clexa’s happy. He decided to shatter us all. And I call all Bellarker’s (and I can’t believe I am saying this right now) and Clexa’s US. We all got heartbroken and shattered just because of ONE MAN being it the right place to make all the wrong decisions.

 

I for myself decided that I won’t give him what he needs and I will stop watching the100. My wife will keep watching it, but not live.

 

We both are and will always be part of the Clexa fandom and the community. We feel with you.

 

Life has been rough on us, which is why we didn’t find the time to write much lately. It will get better.

 

‘Oso Gonplei nou ste Odon’ will be finished, I will start writing on it again tomorrow and after I finished it, I will start on an alternate ending and further story to the third season of the100.

 

‘Understanding’ will be finished, my wife will start on it as soon as possible, please bear with us here.

 

‘There is Always Something’ will be laid on ice for a while, the plot of the story may be too much for some of our readers and we decided to turn it down until we will be able to post the WHOLE story at once, so you won’t suffer.

 

We thank all of you for your ongoing support, your comments and we thank all of you for simply being who you are. Hang in there, it will get better. You are not alone, and you are loved and you will always have the community and the fandom you belong to. You are part of this as we are, and we are happy and grateful for every one of you.

 

We repeat this again – if you feel the need to talk, if you need some comfort, please don’t give up and contact us. We are not the only ones to offer support – you are not alone.

 

With all the love we got

 

Nickole & Liliana

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contact us:
> 
> lilianafox.tumblr.com  
> nickolefox.tumblr.com


End file.
